Part I – The Meeting

Alpin Gregor was a strapping lad of 22

He worked full time for John Laird whom Alpin

considered to be a narky (cranky) old goat

 and as rough as a bear’s arse (backside).

Saturday night was Alpin’s night to cut loose

so he put on his best strides (trousers) and headed for the town

 battle-cruiser (pub) hoping to have a craic (fun time) time

and rabbit-on (talk) with his pals.

Alpin also thought that if he played his cards right he might

 have some level of pull (success with a woman) with one of the local lasses

 although he knew there were also several scangers (not too bright women)

and scrubbers (loose women) that frequented the pub.

He knew that if he could avoid a serious case of the

 numbs (drinking too much) he might have a better chance of

 getting at-it (making love) with a bird (girl) of his choice so he promised

 himself he would keep his bevvies (drinks) to a minimum.

Alpin arrived about 7:00pm and looked around for a friendly face.

 Seeing no one that he knew right off he headed for the bar and ordered

 a jar (pint) of the black (Guinness).   He then spied Tim Macnie sitting

  with a shower of savages (group out for a good time) in a corner snug (booth)

Tim was not a bad sort but sometimes he appeared

 not of the full shillen (deficient in the IQ department). Alpin started to walk

 over to the snug (booth) but one of the local doxies (ladies of the night)

 who was already warped (very drunk) grabbed his arm

The girl shook her diddies (breasts) at him in a suggestive manner

 but Alpin was having none of it and told her to

bite the back of his bollox (stop bothering me) and continued

 walking toward Tim and the group he was with.

One of the group sitting with Tim was a gingernut (red head)

and Alpin thought he had met him before. Sure enough

 as the man’s face came into view he recognized him to be

 Bart Gruer a laudy daw (snob) and hardchaw (trouble maker).

Alpin arrived at the snug (booth) and ask Tim if

He was suckin diesel (having a good time) to which Tim replied

 you must be in the wick (must be joking) we’re having a merry time.

Bart and Alpin’s eyes then met but neither said a word.

It was then that through the door there appeared two lasses.   

One Alpin recognized as Heather O’Reilly who was a bit

 of a rossie (brat). The other he did not recognize but she

 was without doubt a qweer bit of skirt (attractive women).

He rushed over and greeted Heather as if they were old friends

 eagerly awaiting an introduction to the other lass. His emotions

 were racing as she was introduced to him as  Megan Flowers from

Liverpool. And with those words the scon (amorous encounter) began

Part II – The Altercation

Being the gentlemen he was Alpin escorted the two

lasses to a table and sat them down. He couldn’t help but

notice how juicy (cute) Megan was in the dim light. He imagined

 planting a big goozer (kiss) on her lovely gob (mouth).

Seeking to impress, Alpin pulled a fiver (five pound note)  

from his boot and ordered a jar (pint) of the black (Guinness)

for each of the lasses. The jars had no sooner been delivered

when his friend Tim along with Bart appeared at the table.

Tim’s presence made him a bit nervous as Tim used to date

Heather and was always braggin about having seen her in

the nip (nude).  Tim belted out a raucous Howya (how are you)

as he and Bart pulled up chairs to join the group.

As Alpin carried on a friendly conversation with Megan he could see

 Bart giving her the once-over out of the corner of his eye as if he

 were preparing to do her a line (court her). Alpin immediately asked

 her to dance and once on the floor they began lurching (dancing close).

  Upon returning to the table and while Alpin was chatting

 with Tim, Bart seized the opportunity to make a move on Megan.

Alpin immediately leaned over and whispered in Bart’s ear

 “you’re jamming on your egg” (wishful thinking, will never happen).

Bart was a stout lad with wide shoulders and narrow hips

and he fancied himself the mutt’s nuts (a big deal). He stood

up and said to Alpin “I don’t give a shite” (couldn’t care less)

 what you say”. “I get off with (make out with) whom I please.”

Alpin rose from his chair to his maximum height of two plus

 meters (over six feet). He weighed somewhere around

 fifteen stones (two hundred pounds). He said softly to Bart

“If you keep up this foolishness we are going to millie up” (have a fight).

Alpin then said in a voice much louder “be up the yard” (be off with you)

or I will puck (punch) you into next week” Bart backed away seeing

 that Alpin was dead serious. Alpin then said “now out you go

 and put a gap in the bush (close the door) behind you.”

Part III – The Conclusion

Bart’s exodus from the pub was noted by many

that had witnessed the ructions (commotion) and you

 could hear a faint murmur throughout the gaff (house)

as Alpin returned to his seat.

Needless to say Tim and the two lasses were

 (gobsmacked) surprised) at how forcefully Alpin

 had handled the matter but they were also relieved that

everything was happy out (settled) so they could enjoy the evening.

While Tim and Heather danced Alpin took advantage of the

time alone with Megan to learn more about her and her life in Liverpool.

 Turns out she is actually Heater’s cousin and is visiting for the weekend.

Since her arrival they had been moving like a blue-arsed fly (running around).   

Heather said she had been putting her trip on the long finger

(procrastinating) for some time but was now glad that she had

chosen this particular time to visit Antrim. Alpin took that as

 a compliment and flashed a reddener (blush).

The night wore on and Megan and Alpin exchanged addresses

so they might correspond in the days ahead. Alpin had

 no more thoughts of attempting to end this night with a

 score (one night stand) as Megan was no tinker (low class female).

At a quarter past ten Alpin and Tim walked the two

 lasses to the curb outside the pub, hailed them

a joy maxi (taxi) and bid them goodnight. Alpin slept well

that night knowing that he had not acted

in a wojus (bad or poor) manner with Megan and

to have tried to take advantage of her would have been

 akin to boxing the fox (robbing an orchard).

©Charlie Gragg April 20, 2010