Big Boy Lost

6 Comments

Big Boy Lost

There’s something beautiful about a woman who doesn’t care

The challenge to make you see

And while the wind swept style from your hair

You swept me right off my feet

 

Though with every glance I chanced

My mind moulded an army of doubts you wouldn’t stay

But the softness of your touch as we danced

And the sweetness of your kiss kept them all at bay

 

Where are you going? It’ll soon be sunrise

Can’t we sit and talk until then like old times?

Can I fall asleep in your lap whilst you pick at the moss?

I had it all when I was little but now this big boy is lost

 

Now in a cracked mirror with four more years to go,

Sinking eyes study greying hairs in growing zones

They match the clouds that accompany me but you know

I don’t mind; they save me from being alone

 

Did I punch above my weight with you?

I walked hunched so I could be straight with you

You may be marbled with malice but aren’t we all?

My arms lie open, in to which I wait for you to crawl

 

So where are you going? It’ll soon be sunrise

Can’t we sit and talk until then like old times?

Can I fall asleep in your lap whilst you pick at the moss?

I had it all when I was little but now this big boy is lost

 

Would you ever have left if you knew how much you’d be missed?

From time to time I glimpse a ghost of you but you’re not here

So I keep your lipstick stain on a cup to relive our first kiss:

Through swirling worlds, I smelt your perfume; you smelt my fear

 

But now you are going and it’ll soon be sunrise

Why can’t we sit and talk until then like old times?

Can I fall asleep in your lap whilst you pick at the moss?

I had it all when I was little but now this big boy is lost

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LenaM commented on Big Boy Lost

11-14-2010

Oh I loved this and was swept away in the imagery and I too have used repeating stanza's. Some poems just cry out for them,this was such a poem.You caught me from the first stanza to the last . Excellent !

arronpalmer

11/15/2010

Thank you so much Selena! Whilst I liked the imagery in this poem, I was less pleased with the song-like structure of it. This was an early poem of mine, and has now undergone revision thanks to the advice of fellow poets, so thank you so much, but you got here a little too late lol!! Thanks so much though, seriously :)

Kanicki commented on Big Boy Lost

10-19-2010

I love the delicate imagery and phrases, especially the first stanza, And while the wind swept style from your hair You swept me right off my feet, those first lines drew me in far the start and the pace continued throughout:) Good Job! Peace, Light and Love

arronpalmer

10/19/2010

Thank you so much Kanicki. Strangely, they are my own personal favourite lines too, as I try to get the repetition of 'swept' to transform 'swept off my feet' from a tired, clichéd, almost meaningless phrase into one that actually now matters. Thank you for stopping by :)

JadedJezzabel commented on Big Boy Lost

10-18-2010

I LOVE THE FEELING THIS POEM GIVES TO THE READER......THE WAY YOU INTERTWINE THE EMOTIONS LIKE A SAD LONELY DANCE THAT ONCE WAS SHARED BY TWO....BUT FALLING AWAY TO ONE SLOWLY.......ALSO AGREE WITH DONYON....ABOUT THE FIRST AND LAST STANZA. THAT WOULD MAKE IT ALL MORE INTENSE AND INCREASE THE PUNCH.

arronpalmer

10/19/2010

Hey there, I love the way you describe my poetry, your comments are always thoughtful and kind. Again, I agree with you both too, this poem is currently being revised. Thanks again JJ :)

tenderpoison commented on Big Boy Lost

10-14-2010

I have to agree that some revision is in order - that being said, the way it is very clearly conveys that the loss is due to the uncertainty and ....fear? I love your imagery and the way you put words together. Thanks for sharing :)

arronpalmer

10/15/2010

Thank you for stopping by TP. Yes, I agree too about the revision required, I'm actually re-working this one today at some point, so will be posting a revised version later hopefully, as I do like some of the images going on. I guess that you're quite right, the poem is about losing someone I never truly felt good enough for, a little intimidated by no less (hence the "I smelt your perfume; you smelt my fear" line), someone I viewed as a challenge almost to keep, so perhaps my insecurities did contribute to the losing yes. Yet, as with all good things, despite me not being surprised much at the loss of such a thing, it nevertheless hits me hard and I miss it terribly, to the point of me pleading for old times, scared that now I'm grown up, I'm an awful lot more "lost" than the traditional "little boy lost" character. Thanks again for the constructive criticism, this site is brilliant for that and is always delivered in a mature, helpful way. Thank you.

Donyon commented on Big Boy Lost

06-25-2010

This one has some really interesting turns of phrase, and some nice imagery. I'm not sure how I feel, however, about the repetitions chosen of the "Where are you going" stanza. My main problem is with the second time it comes up. I think it would be interesting for you to put this stanza as the first and last stanza, and then let the middle (body) of the poem flow uninterrupted.

arronpalmer

10/14/2010

I think you're quite right. This is one reason why I like this site and signed up in the first place- to get such good constructive criticism. I agree with you, I'm not sure I like this piece all that much. I'm fond of how some of the imagery is working, but I don't think the poem flows as a whole, it's like it's unsure whether it's a poem or a song, or even a pleading letter. I'm gonna take this back to the writing board! Thanks Donyon :)

Donyon

10/14/2010

No problem. Good luck. ^_^

Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion.

T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) American-English poet and playwright.

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