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Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

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06-04-2010 at 05:28:13 PM

Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

Ok, today's challenge:

rather then writing about the first person point of view, like most poems are,

I'm going to make you be creative and write with a second person, POV,

have someone or something watching as a story unfolds,

remember, they are watching, they can't know what is going on in the people's heads, cause that is cheating :P

Any questions?smirk

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06-09-2010 at 03:06:59 AM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

Watching Broken Love

He was laying there,
Still as ice,
Frozen in his sanity,

I had been watching him for over a week,
He used to be so happy,
I remember the times I gave him messages from his fieonce,
His eyes would widen, and his lips would part to show his teeth,

I used to repeat the words she used to speak.
He'd pull his ear to my lips as listened intently,
Then made sure that I replied his hearts speach back to her.

It all changed though, when I took one of her messages to him,
It told of her friends who inspected her for external worth,
And the gratifacation they had lusted from her,

I knew something wasn't right about her stories,
First, she "couldn't remember" anything,
And second, those small changes in her lies,
It had lead me to believe that he wasn't just the one kissing,

His heart was soft, so he believed her,
He helped her through her "pain,"
He told her to stay away from them,
They weren't true friends,

A week after that, we found out that she hadn't stayed away,
She remained friends, and were very close,
She sent me another confession to repeat her fieonce,

Her friend who kissed her previously,
He had taken her to the back of his car,
She told the tale of him holding her down,

He asked "Why didn't you stay away like I said?"
Then I repeated "He apologised and asked if we could be just friends"
I wish he broke it off then, while he had his sense left,

But her fabricated tears made him love her still,
I knew she was lying, and something in him, knew it too,
So he asked questions,
and picked away at the funhouse glass she held in front of herself,

Piece by piece the "forgotten" memories came back to her,
And piece by piece the glass revealed her short skirt, and low shirt,
I gave the message of her last goodbye to him,

He threw me to the wall,
Hatred filled eyes stole his sanity, as he broke his fist on the mirror,

I hated those memories, yet I still kept her letters.
Stupid...

He came to me as I was lying on the shelf.
He looked at me and scrolled through the numorus texts to her,
Each one read from my screen,
Making him wince

Till he finally pressed my power off switch...

Now I sit in darkness,

He hasn't turned me on since then,

Its been 5 months now,

I'm still waiting for him to come back







Ok, I just wrote it, remembering a relationship I had with a girl I talked to a lot with on the cellphone, thought that might be a good second point of view,

Dunno if I like it though XD

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06-11-2010 at 11:49:35 AM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?



Hi jpmaster13

I think this is a good example of a view from a 2nd person.

I didn't expect the ending either... I was thinking that you were speaking, as to a split personality... like Cybil ...

but your use of the 2nd person as the computer is more exacting, realistic and a bit humorous.

The mechanics portion is a bit free style, loose, and could be clipped to make it more prefect....



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06-11-2010 at 01:42:09 PM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

Hello jpmaster,


I found it pretty fascinating how the 2nd POV was an object, and at times I agree it was a bit humorous, yet clever.

I also agree with springsize that your poem could be clipped to help it's structure a bit, but overall I think it was cleverly put together, and well done.

I am inspiredsmile

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06-12-2010 at 12:33:27 PM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

.

2nd person


Jumper T
________




He was jumping up and down
.......with his endless energy...
there were twenty two tickets --
.......a minute.... for anxiety..

.

"Pass... pass... " the rides kept coming
.......thousands choosing greedy land.
He sees one from backwards ville
.......and decides to raise his hand

.

to have the in-depth knowledge
.......and leap from the carousel
he catches a lightning bolt
.......spread from where the comets dwell.

.

He finds a life of movement
.......and loves the music notes
reminding him of womb world
.......warm oceans, and where he floats

.

And once in a while he sees
.......from the past, he'll recognize
the ones who stood in line
.......still dressed in the same disguise.

.

And each has a ticket for
.......an Individual ride
ol' pepper chose the hot one
.......and death chose the one that died.

.

ol' jumper chose the knowledge
.......and purple chose the sweet dream
of lavender and happy roles
.......as berries with whipped cream.

.

And Only saw me waiting
.......for a turn on the life ride
Said, "Hold the reigns a minute"
.......but it's been two years, I sighed.

.

Form 8 quatrains, 7 meter

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06-17-2010 at 09:02:44 PM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

Ok, that poem just flew over my head. Read it twice, its more or less a comparison of life being a carnival. you need a ticket for each ride, most people are greedy... Hehe alright, maybe I don't have the correct background for analysis, or the story behind the poem, so interesting concept. I didn't see the second person "observant" type point of view.

Though, thanks for contributing, I hope more people will follow your footsteps. :P

BTW, my poem was actually a cellphone, rather then a computer, but close enough, ya got the concept.

I appreciate the critique, and would love help on the poem, on what to cut out, or change.

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06-26-2010 at 06:45:42 PM

RE: Challenge: Is this the first or second person?

I don't if this one will make any sense at all. It's actually from my POV, but it's about a second person... I think that's what you wanted. C'est la vie, it was entertaining to write in any case.

Transgressing To Know, To Not To Know

You were there, I saw you there, joy held within your eyes
The peace within your lies
The hate which drives
To hide behind
Careless words of friendship
Spoken hastily and all too shallow
I asked you for opinion lazily all too hollow
What happened then I do not know
But I saw the change seeping through
Had the loneliness just taken its toll?
Or had I just never known you?
Does it matter either way?
I saw you there, the happiness set loose
Did you cry? Were you scared of what to choose?
What was you?
I was scared, I don’t know why
Or maybe I do

I don’t know how it happened
I’m not sure what I did wrong, or when
But loneliness had taken its toll
Taken away the heat of life, replaced in cold
So old
Too young to be old
Too wise to be anything else
Guess I when it’s all said and done-
-I really wasn’t all that much help

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Poetry is what is lost in translation.

Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.
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