There are times when just the sight of him

Makes me nauseous and angry.

Then there are times when I come close to telling him

I love him and am overwhelmed with the urge

To kiss his face all over.

These feelings are followed immediately

By embarrassment and a forced indignation.

I have been hurt so deeply by him,

So thoroughly betrayed,

That it’s amazing that I still feel like I need him.

I don’t want to need someone

Who makes me feel miserable and worthless.

I feel betrayed by my own emotions.

How could I possibly crave his attention the way I do?

I tell myself every day

I do not love him.

At first I believed those words.

Then they became unwanted reminders,

And now I don’t know how honest I’m being.

It seems imperative to my sense of self-worth

That I fully believe that I do not love that man.

That wonderful man who hurts me so deeply.

But we are having a child together.

She will be here in a few short weeks.

Part of me, MOST of me,

Wishes her life could begin with

The three of us as a family.

But even if he apologized and tried to make amends

It still could never be

For several reasons.

 My meager amount of pride,

My deep emotional scars,

And the inability to trust his intentions

Would all conspire to keep us apart.

And of all the women in his life

I think I love him the most.

Yet I still wear my bitterness like a crown.