narcissus speaks

13 Comments

narcissus speaks

I have been married to a narcissist for nearly 15 years.  Narcissism is a subset of mental illnesses referred to as Borderline Personality Disorder (301.83 DSM IV).  It is a pattern of thought and behavior centered on self-gratification at any cost.  There is no treatment, there is no cure.  It is not a chemical problem, but a behavior.  There are no words to adequately convey the depths of the journey I have taken to find and reclaim my right to myself.  If you find yourself relating to this too closely, please accept wisdom from one who has already paid the horrendous price for it.  DO NOT WALK, RUN!  It will never stop.  This is written from the perspective of my husband, based on actual things he has done and said, ways he has treated me, every day, for the last 16 years of my life...and though I have finally freed myself of his influence and damage, I hope you will all understand...though he has never resorted to violence, this is abuse on a very large scale, using the trust inherent in love to break and remold and rebreak and remold in an endless cycle, that spirals in the loss of self-worth, confidence, perspective and sanity. This is also a disorder that is becoming more and more pervasive in our society, and as such, we need to be aware.  Because if not for my children, and the understanding and validation given me by my parents...I'd have killed myself years ago.

knowing myself unworthy
but bored and restless nonetheless
let's see if you can satisfy
my every fucking wish

move at my direction
speak upon my command
but only words I've authorized
don't dare to take a stand

you are here to gratify
my each and every whim
and though I'm never satisfied
I'll make you try again

I'll rob you of what you have to give
both the happy and the sad
I'll take until you burn with ache
and then tell you it was bad

it will never be enough
to earn my twisted heart
you'll bankrupt yourself endlessly
but still you'll play this part

I'm the puppet master
hiding in the dark
I"ll only give you just enough
to ensure you don't depart

pushing all your limits
demanding more and more
nothing ever satisfies
but that you validate and adore

even then it's not enough
so I'll violate all you are
denying I've done any wrong
to cause your many scars

I'll criticize and ostracize
if you break my taboo
convince you that you're crazy
break your mind in two

you know how much I love you
so shut up and enjoy the ride
if you'll just sit there quietly
I won't notice that you've died

believe it baby, I know I'm wrong
but you're the only cure I see
and after all we both know now
this is really just all about me

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shallenemcgrath commented on narcissus speaks

01-02-2011

I actually cried after reading this. Huge hugs- huge huge hugs to you.

tenderpoison

01/02/2011

I cried too, a lot actually - but when the picture was clear and solidified - I felt rage beyond anything I ever imagined. Thanks for the hugs - I am really okay though. This part of my journey made me stronger than I thought I was, and ultimately I came to view him with compassion. Not that I took down the boundaries - but once I knew I could have them and that it was for me to define them, it no longer hurt. In the end, it was simply - not my problem, but his. Thanks for reading.

devaamido commented on narcissus speaks

02-23-2010

I understand better about what took so long. Was there learning value in these dreadful years....Might they have forced you to hone the penetrating insights into human behavior that are evident in your poetry? Or is that "just you"?

tenderpoison

01/02/2011

I'd have to say that it's a combination of both - experience and innate characteristics - life is a journey my friend, this is how I choose to share mine. :)

frog commented on narcissus speaks

08-26-2009

Ouch. Spoken by someone who does know all too well what you are describing here. You described this so accurately.

DeepEclipse commented on narcissus speaks

08-17-2009

It is ironic, how you ended it, that the only cure is to feed the need. It is like resistance only fuels the want for attention. I won't pretend to understand, but this does shine some understanding on the depth of the person that you are. It torments me to think that pain is the only rite of passage that can unlock the better and best of us, but it simply can't be ignored that those who endure such trials are shaped with a mentality and thinking far beyond the boring reach of "normal". As always, enjoyed the journey.

JCKasper commented on narcissus speaks

08-09-2009

These are alarmingly scary words ....... What's even more disturbing is that I can relate to this ..... You are an amazing writer and appear to be an amazing woman......Methinks you deserve better!!!!

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

tenderpoison’s Poems (116)

Title Comments
Title Comments
You Are...I am 2
la chanson de la petite mort 4
fallen 2
seasons 0
smoke 2
Thursdays Child 2
the edge 0
whispers 2
nothing left to say... 2
sense of season 2
suspension bridge 1
Legendary 1
Almost 3
compromise 1
the final line 1
weather report 6
lessons in loss 2
Walk Away 1
b*itch boots 5
fumbling, tumbling - falling down 6
metamorphosis mine 13
Secret Language 15
An Ode to StudlyVonFiel
dMarshall111D
ildoPic
7
everyothernig
ht
6
the ties that bind 15
spitting in the wind 9
paradigm 8
talking in tongues 10
cloudy skies 12
really 15
well, I guess I know what it's not.... 13
heart of stars 17
The Longest Road 14
Legacy 6
Despair 7
Delusion 7
Inflammatory 8
survival of the fittest 20
ephemeral 13
the fall of the inconsequenti
al
12
Modern Love 24
apathy the enemy 9
Oceans 7
Consummation 11
"I don't love you" I said 20
narcissus speaks 13
destination 9
expectations 6
worlds collide 6
afternoon delight 7
my addiction 19
spilt milk 8
bay-area tourist beware 6
reciprocal 7
take the lead 11
losing what's precious 20
figment 5
bacchus unveiled 9
genuine 24
fool's gold 13
silence speaks 9
dark temptation 10
glass beach 9
mother love 12
sweet nothing 9
lighthouse 6
unbound 8
One Moment 5
Michael Jackson is Dead 4
parley 4
unmasked 4
stand 5
sage 9
Rising 8
the last word 6
prelude to bliss 2
unstained 4
insatiable 3
not pretty 8
surrender 4
forsaken 5
kudos 5
fine dining 3
Pieces 4
the tree 16
inches 9
priceless 8
25 years 7
only a dream 9
reborn 5
flicker 5
unruffled 4
taking the air 6
cymbol song 4
strike zone 6
nine days in turlock 9
through the pale 8
redemption song 3
Wise Men Know 8
not so ancient history 7
my forefathers? 2
American Memorial 2
bitter harvest 4
unconquered 52
what's in a name? 5
Flattery 5
me and a tube of crazy glue 6
eternal vows 2
Old Friend 5
directions to destiny 4
Illumination II (a rewrite) 7
Illumination 6
submission - things they don't teach girls 22
Echo 20
Bride 16
Undone 21