Parasitic...

2 Comments

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  • Dark
    • ImStillHere
    • My daughter is turning 2 soon! I miss and love y’all!

    Parasitic...

     You're under my flesh,
    and you're sucking me dry...
    You say you're my friend,
    all you ask is "why?"

    And all I can say
    is I'm cutting you out,
    you're killing me slowly,
    there isnt a doubt...

    The balance tips
    as the knife slips...

    Oh why, my parasitic
    friend...

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    gmcookie commented on Parasitic...

    12-22-2012

    Oops.. I meant to say "but only ask why" in the previous comment. If you read a few of my poems you will see that I pay a lot of attention to the rhythm and rhyme schemes in my work... that's where these comments come from.
    Reply to Comment

    ImStillHere

    12/23/2012

    I actually never realized my rhythm was iambic. Interesting notes, thank you. I don't usually edit my practice pieces, but I'll be sure to remember your advice

    gmcookie commented on Parasitic...

    12-22-2012

    ImStillHere, this is a dark piece. While I write about death (which is pretty dark), I try to write about it in a way everybody can relate to. We all share some of the same fears, so I try to express those in a way that everybody can relate to. This piece is dark in a different way. Its very personal. Not that that is a bad thing, but be aware that fewer people will be able to connect with the poem. There are two lines where the (otherwise strictly iambic) rhythm of the piece breaks.. "all you ask is why?" starts with two unstressed syllables - which breaks the rhythm you have going in the previous and successive lines. You could fix that by changing it to "but you only ask why?" That follows the iambic pattern you established. The same holds true with "as the knife slips..." It breaks the rhythm. You might want to consider "the razor slips..." instead. Now these are suggestions from one structured poet to another. You are the final judge. Please ignore these suggestions if you don't find them helpful. - gmcookie
    Reply to Comment

    A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. It finds the thought and the thought finds the words.

    Robert Frost (1875-1963) American Poet.

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