Pretty Birds Flocking

5 Comments

Tags:
  • Confusion
    • ,
  • Emotional

    Pretty Birds Flocking

    Iambic Pentameter. 10 lines.

    Rhyme pattern: abbaCddCee


    I saw a flock of doves approaching hills
    As tall as Everest and so very green,
    With herds of sheep that feed on the cuisine
    Of water grass and lay in daffodils.
    I saw them flocking on a summer day,
    When kids were home- for they were out of school
    And as the children played they dropped their stool;
    I saw them flocking on a summer day:
    The greatest armies to have known the sky
    I saw them flock... I waved hello – goodbye.

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    Springsize commented on Pretty Birds Flocking

    05-04-2010

    Ok, the line count is off in this poem, line 2 has 11 syllables and does not flow as well with the extra. Line 4 has 14 syllables, so that one is waaaay off count. Line 5 has 11 syllables. The poem is cute, but I would like to see your poem expressing more emotion. I do like your association with the animals, that part is a treat...
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    RHPeat commented on Pretty Birds Flocking

    05-02-2010

    Oh wait a minute, you sneaked and identity into the rhymes that's not acceptable. (day, day) (yesterday, wednesday or saturday) maybe, but two days? NO way, you have complete repetons! That's next weeks lesson. You're playing with my form and my head. I'll have to keep my eyes on you real close. You almost got away with it, as well. Did you want to teach the class? I'd love to get back to my own poetry. A poet friend// RH Peat
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    RHPeat commented on Pretty Birds Flocking

    05-02-2010

    Flock flock flock flock? Why so much reiteration? Reiteration needs a compelling reason beyond just sound. Can't find other words that mean flock, group, clutch covey, horde, mass, throng, crowd, gaggle, swarm, pack, herd, drove, congregate assemblage, cluster, swarm, steam, mass, bevy, bunch, company, crew, party, troupe, gang, troop, knot, gathering, band, posse. Come on Les, get inventive tie some word to another image in some way and get these group ideas tied by more than just (flock) (troupes ties good with armies). you have an extra iamb in L4. The rest looks good. And you followed the rhyme scheme well also. You're not out of school yet so you best worry about sitting on the stool. :-) Funny poem. For L4 (and lay with/on/in daffodils). A poet friend// RH Peat
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    WordSlinger commented on Pretty Birds Flocking

    05-02-2010

    lol, this is good , and funny, L4 Lex, line 4 :) ty WS
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    In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

    Franz Kafka (1883-1924) Czech writer.

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