Scared Scarred and Sacred

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    • nini2323
    • I once knew everything, and now I know nothing.

    Scared Scarred and Sacred

     

    Scared, Scarred, and Sacred
    I grew up in a church where Praise be to God meant there was no applause
    Even for a chubby scared girl playing the flute awkwardly to a hymn that made her heart melt but her brain catch fire
    The gospel had a way with me then. I believed the feelings, the truths even the lies.
    I sang Onward Christian Soldiers with no regard to who I would meet on the battlefield.
    Hypocrisy then fed like holy communion, the flesh and blood of a savior that I never knew.
    A vengeful but loving God, ... but I have known many vengeful but loving men in my life. Thankfully my  Father was always there to point out the vengeful parts and soothe my soul with the pure love he knew I deserved.
    I left this place to be replaced by confessions to mere mortals and pleading on my knees to sacred mothers.... I became fluent in apology... and apathy...
    I learned that hate breeds fear and fear breeds anxiety and anxiety breeds desperation and desperation breeds violence and THIS is the circle of life we are living in. When blood is spilled by holy men it is still... Blood.
    I lived through the destruction of a city
    Modern day Atlantis lost.. a city consumed by water and devastation and it's own desperation.
    Because Desperation breeds fear and fear breeds anxiety and anxiety breeds fear and fear breeds violence...so the cycle continues.
    The new flashed images of violent people from "that part of the world" they called us refugees as we came crawling and begging from the wreckage of a city that had once been a part of the Great United States... no longer citizens ... I stood a foreigner on the soil I was born unto...
    My eyes began to open...
    I saw my first snuff film on Facebook.. at 10 seconds I thought it was a cruel joke, at 30 seconds my breath caught in my throat as I realized what was happening, and at 1 minute and 27 seconds when she took her last breath I exhaled... forever changed. I remember fighting back the bile in my throat, so intensely angry at a world who would forget this sacred mother, child, sister, wife, start-dust created magical creature. She never said no... forever I will remember that she didn't fight, I will never know her last moments but as I reach out to touch my screen to support her, to love her, to give her a home I realize it is her lack of fight that ignites this fire in me...
    These are my stations
    This is my path
    These are the burning bushes in my personal desert...
    This is the scared, scarred, sacred woman I am to be.
    Scared, Scarred, and Sacred
    I grew up in a church where Praise be to God meant there was no applause
    Even for a chubby scared girl playing the flute awkwardly to a hymn that made her heart melt but her brain catch fire
    The gospel had a way with me then. I believed the feelings, the truths even the lies.
    I sang Onward Christian Soldiers with no regard to who I would meet on the battlefield.
    Hypocrisy then fed like holy communion, the flesh and blood of a savior that I never knew.
    A vengeful but loving God, ... but I have known many vengeful but loving men in my life. Thankfully my  Father was always there to point out the vengeful parts and soothe my soul with the pure love he knew I deserved.
    I left this place to be replaced by confessions to mere mortals and pleading on my knees to sacred mothers.... I became fluent in apology... and apathy...
    I learned that hate breeds fear and fear breeds anxiety and anxiety breeds desperation and desperation breeds violence and THIS is the circle of life we are living in. When blood is spilled by holy men it is still... Blood.
    I lived through the destruction of a city
    Modern day Atlantis lost.. a city consumed by water and devastation and it's own desperation.
    Because Desperation breeds fear and fear breeds anxiety and anxiety breeds fear and fear breeds violence...so the cycle continues.
    The new flashed images of violent people from "that part of the world" they called us refugees as we came crawling and begging from the wreckage of a city that had once been a part of the Great United States... no longer citizens ... I stood a foreigner on the soil I was born unto...
    My eyes began to open...
    I saw my first snuff film on Facebook.. at 10 seconds I thought it was a cruel joke, at 30 seconds my breath caught in my throat as I realized what was happening, and at 1 minute and 27 seconds when she took her last breath I exhaled... forever changed. I remember fighting back the bile in my throat, so intensely angry at a world who would forget this sacred mother, child, sister, wife, start-dust created magical creature. She never said no... forever I will remember that she didn't fight, I will never know her last moments but as I reach out to touch my screen to support her, to love her, to give her a home I realize it is her lack of fight that ignites this fire in me...
    These are my stations
    This is my path
    These are the burning bushes in my personal desert...
    This is the scared, scarred, sacred woman I am to be.

     

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    Walt Whitman, American Poet (1819-1892)

    nini2323’s Poems (26)

    Title Comments
    Title Comments
    Scared Scarred and Sacred 0
    This is the story of... 2
    Killer Instinct 4
    Laying down on the tracks 2
    crimson 18
    stalking vs desperation 1
    Unrequited Love 10
    Pot Cookies and Dayquil 8
    Little Girl Lost 9
    A thousand lives 12
    Ripped and Ragged 9
    Love Honestly 9
    lullabye for the road 5
    self loathing 9
    Carnival v.2 5
    Fire and Ice 10
    Survival guide 2
    In the end 3
    Blue v.2 5
    Liquid Fire 13
    carnival 2 3
    adaptable 2
    In Real Life 0
    Blue 7
    when the carnival goes dark 2
    Getting Out Alive 14