spitting in the wind

9 Comments

spitting in the wind

if I write anything today
I'm afraid
it will give too much
away
still
there's something
I need to say

nervous exhaustion
my diagnoses
worn out and broken
same as my prose is

a lifetime of pain I handled
just fine
but I'm not doing well
with this losing my mind

everything is shades of grey
dismal, murky, feral, fey
the thoughts I think
they have their way
I'm nothing but a filter

screams are caged
inside you see
all they want, to be set free
but that would be
the death of me

so I hold tight
to my nothingness
white knuckled, clenched fists
leash the sobs that block my air
I cannot breathe
I do not dare

I fear
the
first
tear
will
undo me
completely
with no
loving
arms
to help
hold me together

 all the rage
and hate
inside
at god for making me
despised
this is my whole life

oh woe you pitiful creature
cease
stick out your chin
lock
your knees
and learn to
stand
on your own
two feet

first
please
give me some
release

no not today
there is no way
there's no one here
to care
so let all raging sorrow go
and trade it for despair

I don't care
life isn't fair
isn't that
what
they
say?

the sound of my children
laughing
cuts the air
making
 my nerves burn
up and down my body
they burn like fire
and I tell my babies to shut up
instead of playing
or hugging
just leave mommy alone

because
I'm not okay
today
so
please
just
go
away

I built myself a life
of lies
love hurt
but knew
no other kind
so rationalized
'til I was blind

now seeing all
in stark reveal
there is nothing
left to feel
and I
cannot
conceal it

17 years
I played my part
made denial
into art
sacrificed my hopes
and dreams
ashamed
I gave up
everything

responsibility
I took
for every corner
cranny
nook
make the money
and the dinner
kept the house
and the children

stayed with him
through alcoholism
meth addiction
and massive doses
of manipulation
took a shit pile of abuse
all
of it
to no good use

finally found
wings to fly
clipped them fast
his need
always was
greater than mine
ingenious
broke his back
my mind

he demanded everything
no family, no friends
on whom to lean
I need support
but I have none
encouragement?
that sounds like fun
where can I
go get
me
some?

hopefully
recovery
lies
somewhere up
ahead.

but today
I'm
drowning
in despair

someone
please
send some
air

Poem Comments

(9)

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train64 commented on spitting in the wind

02-02-2011

Intense raw i can feel the blood of your soul dripping on me..You are too honest too good too pure of a perosn to have had the shit that you have gone through. You deserve peace happiness, the things in life that bring you gladness. Your courage in writing is a beacon for me. T64

ginga commented on spitting in the wind

01-25-2011

A warm wind of aromatic herbs is sent staright to the poet. This wind has scents of lemongrass, lavender, eucalyptus and peppermint. Breathe woman, breathe deep. Meditate upon your greatness and the future world of prioritizing the "you" that has lain latent. Be well! ginga

tenderpoison

01/26/2011

yummy wind you conjure G :) that sounds like a divine blend of essential oils - I think I'll mix it up and breathe deep...thank you.

Qualin commented on spitting in the wind

01-20-2011

SOMETIMES WE WRITE WHAT WE WANT TO BE AS FLYING LIKE A BIRD,BEING ON THE STAGE WITH EXCEPTING THE STANDING OVATION AS DESERVING,THEN WE COME BACK TO REALITY THE HIDDEN,WE ALL HAVE OUR CLOSETS....BUT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THE CLOSET .....IT IS A PLACE WHERE WE CAN BE CLOSEST TO GOD NOT UNDERSTANDING WHY WE ARE NEEDFUL, WE ALL WILL COME TO A PLACE IN LIFE WHERE THERE IS "NO OTHER ANSWER", BOW DOWN BEFORE THE "UNDISPUTED KING"AND REASON WITH HIS LOVING KINDNESS...I CAN RELATE TO YOUR WORDS.. THERE WILL COME A TIME IN EVERY PERSONS LIFE WHEN THEY "WILL" EXPERIANCE THE EXACT MOUNTIAN TO CLIMB...AND NEED A HELPING HAND!!!! I HAVE FOUND YOU TO BE ONE OF THE BEST ..."DENY DEFEAT " AND CONTINUE MY FRIEND...QUALIN

tenderpoison

01/20/2011

trying Q - I haven't given up yet :)

Musicmynded1 commented on spitting in the wind

01-20-2011

I've been saying "Fuk Sakes" a lot lately.... but ur poem here gives true definition to it... (*as i shake my head back and forth).. good write of emotion.. every line every chosen word..... MM

tenderpoison

01/20/2011

Thanks MM - appreciate your comments

MindNumbing commented on spitting in the wind

01-20-2011

Wow Tender, this is incredible! What a huge feeling of release you must have had after this was completed and posted! The emotions just poured off this piece, my friend. This is truly one of the most genuine things I've read on this site to date, and you managed to not only convey the emotions wonderfully, but you did so with a wonderful flow & rhythm as well. Not an easy task... awesome job!

tenderpoison

01/20/2011

thank you very much :) not being able to fully engage with my kids is really hard - hopefully with some rest this will go away :)

tenderpoison

01/20/2011

also - I don't love you I said and Afternoon Delight - those are just as raw as this....

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

tenderpoison’s Poems (116)

Title Comments
Title Comments
You Are...I am 2
la chanson de la petite mort 4
fallen 2
seasons 0
smoke 2
Thursdays Child 2
the edge 0
whispers 2
nothing left to say... 2
sense of season 2
suspension bridge 1
Legendary 1
Almost 3
compromise 1
the final line 1
weather report 6
lessons in loss 2
Walk Away 1
b*itch boots 5
fumbling, tumbling - falling down 6
metamorphosis mine 13
Secret Language 15
An Ode to StudlyVonFiel
dMarshall111D
ildoPic
7
everyothernig
ht
6
the ties that bind 15
spitting in the wind 9
paradigm 8
talking in tongues 10
cloudy skies 12
really 15
well, I guess I know what it's not.... 13
heart of stars 17
The Longest Road 14
Legacy 6
Despair 7
Delusion 7
Inflammatory 8
survival of the fittest 20
ephemeral 13
the fall of the inconsequenti
al
12
Modern Love 24
apathy the enemy 9
Oceans 7
Consummation 11
"I don't love you" I said 20
narcissus speaks 13
destination 9
expectations 6
worlds collide 6
afternoon delight 7
my addiction 19
spilt milk 8
bay-area tourist beware 6
reciprocal 7
take the lead 11
losing what's precious 20
figment 5
bacchus unveiled 9
genuine 24
fool's gold 13
silence speaks 9
dark temptation 10
glass beach 9
mother love 12
sweet nothing 9
lighthouse 6
unbound 8
One Moment 5
Michael Jackson is Dead 4
parley 4
unmasked 4
stand 5
sage 9
Rising 8
the last word 6
prelude to bliss 2
unstained 4
insatiable 3
not pretty 8
surrender 4
forsaken 5
kudos 5
fine dining 3
Pieces 4
the tree 16
inches 9
priceless 8
25 years 7
only a dream 9
reborn 5
flicker 5
unruffled 4
taking the air 6
cymbol song 4
strike zone 6
nine days in turlock 9
through the pale 8
redemption song 3
Wise Men Know 8
not so ancient history 7
my forefathers? 2
American Memorial 2
bitter harvest 4
unconquered 52
what's in a name? 5
Flattery 5
me and a tube of crazy glue 6
eternal vows 2
Old Friend 5
directions to destiny 4
Illumination II (a rewrite) 7
Illumination 6
submission - things they don't teach girls 22
Echo 20
Bride 16
Undone 21