if I write anything today
I'm afraid
it will give too much
away
still
there's something
I need to say

nervous exhaustion
my diagnoses
worn out and broken
same as my prose is

a lifetime of pain I handled
just fine
but I'm not doing well
with this losing my mind

everything is shades of grey
dismal, murky, feral, fey
the thoughts I think
they have their way
I'm nothing but a filter

screams are caged
inside you see
all they want, to be set free
but that would be
the death of me

so I hold tight
to my nothingness
white knuckled, clenched fists
leash the sobs that block my air
I cannot breathe
I do not dare

I fear
the
first
tear
will
undo me
completely
with no
loving
arms
to help
hold me together

 all the rage
and hate
inside
at god for making me
despised
this is my whole life

oh woe you pitiful creature
cease
stick out your chin
lock
your knees
and learn to
stand
on your own
two feet

first
please
give me some
release

no not today
there is no way
there's no one here
to care
so let all raging sorrow go
and trade it for despair

I don't care
life isn't fair
isn't that
what
they
say?

the sound of my children
laughing
cuts the air
making
 my nerves burn
up and down my body
they burn like fire
and I tell my babies to shut up
instead of playing
or hugging
just leave mommy alone

because
I'm not okay
today
so
please
just
go
away

I built myself a life
of lies
love hurt
but knew
no other kind
so rationalized
'til I was blind

now seeing all
in stark reveal
there is nothing
left to feel
and I
cannot
conceal it

17 years
I played my part
made denial
into art
sacrificed my hopes
and dreams
ashamed
I gave up
everything

responsibility
I took
for every corner
cranny
nook
make the money
and the dinner
kept the house
and the children

stayed with him
through alcoholism
meth addiction
and massive doses
of manipulation
took a shit pile of abuse
all
of it
to no good use

finally found
wings to fly
clipped them fast
his need
always was
greater than mine
ingenious
broke his back
my mind

he demanded everything
no family, no friends
on whom to lean
I need support
but I have none
encouragement?
that sounds like fun
where can I
go get
me
some?

hopefully
recovery
lies
somewhere up
ahead.

but today
I'm
drowning
in despair

someone
please
send some
air