RE: RE: Sonnet 0

Quote:

Originally Posted by cousinsoren

Originally Posted by kabbalistic

Here is my sonnet. The meter may be a little different from what a Shakesperean sonnet should be, but there some latitude permitted in a Shakesperean sonnet. The imagery is taken from Psalm 133, and the idiomatic ''baby'' could be replaced with the word ''lover''. This is my contribution to the world of ''viagra'' poetry! LOL What do you think?

Sonnet 0


A votive offering at your altar,
Of manly, egocentric pride;
A sacrifice I make in earnest,
Oh baby, let me come inside!
The sweet annointing of your bosom.
Down my garments to my feet;
The burning embers of your passion,
I bow before your mercy seat.

Too long you've left me in this dungeon;
Too distant to be satisfied;
The raging passion overcoming,
Hope deferred and love denied;
Enflamed I am with raging passion,
Oh baby, let me come inside!

This is a delectable sonnet adhering to the Petrarchan mode - an octave plus a sestet. The theme and style can be lighty-hearted or declamatory, suggesting an appeal to a lover,as in this sonnet. There should be no division into two stanzas. The sonnet is a composite whole of fourteen lines. However, remedy this, Kabbaliistic, and go to the top of the class....

Last edited by cousinsoren 03-26-2010 at 10:28:55 AM

RE: RE: The Poetry of John E WordSlinger

Quote:

Originally Posted by NevillePark




------------------------------------------------------
Poem 2 ~ By WordSlinger -
(NevillePark's assessment below)

Time Wears High Heels

Whoo,
time is naked, and so sexy; time wears high heels, baby
The whole nest is in hock, everything from tree to tree
Signs of it are in every flock, the ground is out of seed

Whoo,
the whole nest is now in line, worms think birds are a crime
Eagles wont tell you that because they can’t, deceitful birds
We are just at the beginning of an implant, smile for time

Whoo,
so you the brave wanted Change, well you got it,
7 years for 7 years, Time repeats itself, so queer
Keep your faith, and to those you can surely spot it

Yes,
to question it’s character, We’re afraid that it is no charade
Time is so pretty, if you look, Awe, so sweet, it has braids
Let us grasp them, and all time is up in the air, for us to share

Whoo,
not to mention its sexy legs, come here, let us fertilize your eggs
The whole world wants a shot, that’s right, we think you’re hot
You may think this is out place, but we’re not so, like two faced

Time,
that’s because you just keep coming and coming
Well if you want us to be a good Father
Then your going to have to be a good Mother
-----------------------------------------------------------
This offering is totally outside of the realm of possibility for a critique.
NOTE FROM TEACHER ~ WordSlinger I want you to stay after class and write out 100 time on the blackboard ..." I will not dishonor my muse by taking the gift of levity beyond reasonable limits."

Last edited by cousinsoren 03-26-2010 at 11:09:38 AM

RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by NevillePark

There are a good number of wordsmiths and free thinkers in this note-worthy poetry site. Papa should be proud of what he's gathered here.We should by all means be ready to help each other improve our craft and as is the case with most of us, the desire to invest more time and focus on writing is resident within our souls. I would like to see myself giving back into this place what ever creative insight God has blessed me with. I 've been getting folks asking to critique their work from time. I'd like to do that, but let's channel the flow into this thread which I can more easily monitor. Bless you.

RE: RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by cousinsoren

Originally Posted by kabbalistic

I'm here for class, Brother Neville!

Kabbalitic, Kabbalistic, The Teacher attending class! That's what I call progress! I'll sit beside you, Welcome! No chatting in the class, only listening, asking and answering questions, thinking and absorbing.....

Last edited by kabbalistic 03-26-2010 at 11:36:20 AM

RE: RE: TIPS - (Somewhere around 10 or 15 percent ?)

Neville, this, your mission statement is erudite, and clearly well written. It is very explicit. However , please re-read and edit your last sentence: It's a big part .....etc........[/quote]:
.. making sure we ban confusion with word choices that aptly describe and spelling or phrasing that doesn't mislead or is aimless in it's function. - Any rebuttals on the subject?
[/quote] Well I hope I get your point - I do tend to sound almost upitty sometimes- and work against myself with explanations which themselves can be confusing. *SEE MY ORIGINAL POST WITH THE EDITING -
Did I get your message right cuz?

RE: RE: RE: TIPS - (Somewhere around 10 or 15 percent ?)

Quote:

Originally Posted by NevillePark

Neville, this, your mission statement is erudite, and clearly well written. It is very explicit. However , please re-read and edit your last sentence: It's a big part .....etc........

RE: RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by NevillePark

Originally Posted by WordSlinger

, Neville,
for starters I need a window seat, left front, I need the view of the Trees, and Animals. Yes the one near the pencil sharpener, .
Happy to be here, and I know who else that is Happy that you are here, but she's late for class, lol. Sonnet, alrighty then, oh that's Leroy, he wants a seat in the back.
He's good you'll love him. John E WordSlinger

**********************************************************************
So folks - - WS is over there, If you pass your dull pencils over to him he'll sharpen them for you. Coffee break is at 10:30 AM.

RE: RE: RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by cousinsoren

Originally Posted by NevillePark

Originally Posted by WordSlinger

, Neville,
for starters I need a window seat, left front, I need the view of the Trees, and Animals. Yes the one near the pencil sharpener, .
Happy to be here, and I know who else that is Happy that you are here, but she's late for class, lol. Sonnet, alrighty then, oh that's Leroy, he wants a seat in the back.
He's good you'll love him. John E WordSlinger

**********************************************************************
So folks - - WS is over there, If you pass your dull pencils over to him he'll sharpen them for you. Coffee break is at 10:30 AM.

***************************************************************************************************
I want to regfister, but I have to get a bag of prose off my back first. I think I am going to miss this semester. Today is ALL FOOLS' DAY so soon.
( Tempus fugit) and then here comes GOOD FRIDAY. I often wonder why that day is called "GOOd" when the Roman Tetrarch, the Jewish High Priest and the Jewish socio-politico-religio elite behaved so horribly unjustly to a defenceless and harmless preacher.
The human mind is truly paradoxical. That is probably why we are getting such low marks for the world's house-keeping. Imagine commemorating a bad day by calling it good.

RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

REVAMPED BY SPECIAL REQUEST~
There are a good number of wordsmiths and free thinkers in this note-worthy poetry site. Papa should be proud of what he's gathered here. We should by all means be ready to help each other improve our craft. I believe it’s the case with most of us that we desire to invest more time and focus on writing …um, because it has therapeutic properties perhaps? I would like to see myself give back into this place whatever creative insight God has blessed me with. I've been getting folks asking to critique their work from time. I'd like to do that, but let's channel the flow into this thread which I can more easily monitor. Bless you.

Did I manage to get the dust bunnies cuz?
**************************************************************************************************
Hi, Neville, Congratulations for promoting this great idea, and so clearly and masterly presented in brilliant language. . Please peruse it and remedy the errors, which I believe,, you need no assistance to detect by yourself...[/quote]

RE: Channeling The Flow

SUDDEN DEATH

Hollow ‘s the point which the powder will hurl
It’s game ending cargo to the man in the mask
Follow to anoint this un-Heavenly task
O reaper of sorrow and friend of a churl.

Scrummers collide as the boards slap the air
And the crowd issues volleys of praise
All comers beware of the dead it might raise
When the big hand gets over to there.

Seventeen thousand is the strength in the yell
All held hostage, but still unaware
The crosshairs align on the ominous sight
But it’s power‘s absorbed by the absence of light
As the good guys fulfill their own prayer.
Yes .. the lion’s defeated the bear.
*************************************************************************************************
This started out to be a Petrarchan sonnet
Look how far astray I am already and I'm supposed to be giving advice
How be you straighten me up - critique me.


Petrarchan sonnet [pi trärkən] n.
a sonnet composed of a group of eight lines (octave) with two rhymes abba abba, and a group of six lines ( sestet) with two or three rhymes variously arranged, typically cde cde or cdc dcd: the thought or theme is stated and developed in the octave, and expanded, contradicted, etc. in the sestet

Last edited by NevillePark 04-05-2010 at 08:16:04 PM

RE: Channeling The Flow

SUDDEN DEATH

Hollow ‘s the point which the powder will hurl
It’s game ending cargo to the man in the mask
Follow to anoint this un-Heavenly task
O reaper of sorrow and friend of a churl.

Scrummers collide as the boards slap the air
And the crowd issues volleys of praise
All comers beware of the dead it might raise
When the big hand gets over to there.

Seventeen thousand is the strength in the yell
All held hostage, but still unaware
The crosshairs align on the ominous sight
But it’s power‘s absorbed by the absence of light
As the good guys fulfill their own prayer.
Yes .. the lion’s defeated the bear.
*********************************************************************************************

This started out to become a Petrarchan sonnet. Look how far astray a man can go iff he puts his mind to it. Critique away people, I know, I know, I should be setting some kind of example on keeping the rules. Critique away!


Petrarchan sonnet [pi trärkən]
n.
a sonnet composed of a group of eight lines (octave) with two rhymes abba abba, and a group of six lines ( sestet) with two or three rhymes variously arranged, typically cde cde or cdc dcd: the thought or theme is stated and developed in the octave, and expanded, contradicted, etc. in the sestet

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Springsize

Originally Posted by cousinsoren

Originally Posted by NevillePark

Originally Posted by WordSlinger

, Neville,
for starters I need a window seat, left front, I need the view of the Trees, and Animals. Yes the one near the pencil sharpener, .
Happy to be here, and I know who else that is Happy that you are here, but she's late for class, lol. Sonnet, alrighty then, oh that's Leroy, he wants a seat in the back.
He's good you'll love him. John E WordSlinger

**********************************************************************
So folks - - WS is over there, If you pass your dull pencils over to him he'll sharpen them for you. Coffee break is at 10:30 AM.

***************************************************************************************************
I want to regfister, but I have to get a bag of prose off my back first. I think I am going to miss this semester. Today is ALL FOOLS' DAY so soon.
( Tempus fugit) and then here comes GOOD FRIDAY. I often wonder why that day is called "GOOd" when the Roman Tetrarch, the Jewish High Priest and the Jewish socio-politico-religio elite behaved so horribly unjustly to a defenceless and harmless preacher.
The human mind is truly paradoxical. That is probably why we are getting such low marks for the world's house-keeping. Imagine commemorating a bad day by calling it good.

here comes GOOD FRIDAY. I often wonder why that day is called "GOOd" when the Roman Tetrarch, the Jewish High Priest and the Jewish socio-politico-religio elite behaved so horribly unjustly to a defenceless and harmless preacher.
The human mind is truly paradoxical.


cousinsoren ...

That is a remarkable oxymoron example... I do hear what you are saying... to horridly torture a peaceful teacher... we must not also forget the thousands who were fed to the lions as Saturday Afternoon Live Entertainment, in the arenas.

I cannot imagine the brutality of such a time to be alive... where one is killed for preaching Love ... but I come from LA, where one is killed for looking too long at a gang member...

Last edited by cousinsoren 04-10-2010 at 01:19:43 PM

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Springsize

Originally Posted by cousinsoren

Originally Posted by NevillePark

Originally Posted by WordSlinger

, Neville,
for starters I need a window seat, left front, I need the view of the Trees, and Animals. Yes the one near the pencil sharpener, .
Happy to be here, and I know who else that is Happy that you are here, but she's late for class, lol. Sonnet, alrighty then, oh that's Leroy, he wants a seat in the back.
He's good you'll love him. John E WordSlinger

**********************************************************************
So folks - - WS is over there, If you pass your dull pencils over to him he'll sharpen them for you. Coffee break is at 10:30 AM.

***************************************************************************************************
I want to regfister, but I have to get a bag of prose off my back first. I think I am going to miss this semester. Today is ALL FOOLS' DAY so soon.
( Tempus fugit) and then here comes GOOD FRIDAY. I often wonder why that day is called "GOOd" when the Roman Tetrarch, the Jewish High Priest and the Jewish socio-politico-religio elite behaved so horribly unjustly to a defenceless and harmless preacher.
The human mind is truly paradoxical. That is probably why we are getting such low marks for the world's house-keeping. Imagine commemorating a bad day by calling it good.

here comes GOOD FRIDAY. I often wonder why that day is called "GOOd" when the Roman Tetrarch, the Jewish High Priest and the Jewish socio-politico-religio elite behaved so horribly unjustly to a defenceless and harmless preacher.
The human mind is truly paradoxical.


cousinsoren ...

That is a remarkable oxymoron example... I do hear what you are saying... to horridly torture a peaceful teacher... we must not also forget the thousands who were fed to the lions as Saturday Afternoon Live Entertainment, in the arenas.

I cannot imagine the brutality of such a time to be alive... where one is killed for preaching Love ... but I come from LA, where one is killed for looking too long at a gang member...

RE: Channeling The Flow

As I look around it becomes evident that these forums are resplendant with constructive postings... even just in these past few weeks.( So many attentive eyes wanting to help deconstruct to reconstruct.) It's marvelous ... and it's the way it should be as a community. I wish I could feel up to the task of putting in the time and thought, which I'd first envisioned for this thread so that I could join in process.

I'm a man with divied up mind at the moment - (too many irons in the fire it seems). Without some kind of inner inertia that can take me beyond the time demands of my other (growing) outside committments I see a loosing battle on my hands.
The fact is I'm slow as a caterpiller with most things I do anyway. Let me offer this. There are ways for me to input here in these threads but I need to be less of a lumbering mechanic and more of a cheerleader. I can place a blog or two periodically which although have their bent towards writing in the broader sense of the craft, would serve the poet community as well. It is therefore with a (somewhat) heavy heart I move to the margins as it were.
~NevillePark

RE: Channeling The Flow

I've sent a note to WordSlinger advising him that my original desire to monitor and critique poems here seems now somewhat compromised by my frequent work forays up north.
I lived up there for 5 years and the people I worked with have no immediate replacement help as they are somewhat isolated. I have many other credible excuses to offer if they seem applicable but suffice it to say. I can still help out (no problem), just not as frequently.

I have in mind to take the title ...Channeling the Flow, and follow a format of feeding the desire for poetic improvement by posting an ongoing series of writers tips which I've collected over the last few years. Open discussion would be key to keeping the flow.
We can contribute (each of us), as we find things that might help a poet strengthen the writing process for someone else. Please let me know if you can see this working
~ Neville

RE: Channeling The Flow

As with a lot of folks here, Spring and Summer are busy times. I'll be cutting in and out myself as I work out of town most weeks now. That imparted, I will try to get to anyone's work - print it out and read it while I'm up north.
OK! Since the tactician minds are taking up any slack there might be, by dissecting your sonnets, I will offer an aside challenge. I'd like to see us write a poem using someone elses eyes. Put yourself in a mini-movie and write describing a world you're interested in but have never had occasion to be a part of. Modern wonder that it is, the internet can provide you with some tools for verisimilitude.
Now you're someone else - Go write and show us ... but not necessarily TELL us who you are.

With This Dance You Are My Country

With This Dance You Are My Country (sonnet)

Oh excellence we shall dance on the floor of fear
There are great things in life I am not allowed, and
I hear the call, despite anger and distress. Lear
me with my own lamp to light the way, I command
myself to overcome any darkness I am to face
Foundations of prayer, faith on faith, yes I do breath;
And love where I only can relax and erase
all of these thoughts, sticky webs of mankind’s thick weave
For I reject, and I am convinced that freedom
for all is what thickens this blood, to hear infants
cry, to see the mother’s nurturing our kingdom
The ballroom of war sways, in sync and infantry,
orchestrated by this belief, Oh Country hear
On excellence I shall dance on the floor of fear


http://www.originalpoetry.com/with-this-dance-you-are-my-country-sonne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Costly Splendors of Curiosity (sonnet)

Their days of consequence have now been banish’d
Promised eyes in magnificent wardrobes
The beauty they held, these wives now vanish’d
Thus remember’d the mirrors’ view, top to toe
Tears for pardon in their true repentance
For the chamber door shook their trembling hand
Not knowing soon of their cries brief moments
That forbidden master Key was so planned
The last famed wife was saved by her brothers
All of their turmoil could have been refrained
These ignored warning signs of their mothers,
caused varnish on the chambers’ floor, blood stained
The splendid town was haunted, his words feared
Bring it to me Presently, said Blue Beard


http://www.originalpoetry.com/the-costly-splendors-of-curiosity-sonnet

Last edited by WordSlinger 04-27-2010 at 08:37:59 PM

RE: Channeling The Flow - Assignment - Using Someone Else's Eyes

The Simple Girls
_____________



We are a group of simple girls
we wear our hair beneath our cap
at night, we have such pretty curls
and sometimes, we will laugh at that.


The sun comes up, and brings our day
we milk the cows and go to school
we all are dressed in blues and gray
our skirts are long, we follow rules.


We like to watch the boys at work
the fields are full, as we walk home
we sometimes giggle, never flirt
we tarry not, and never roam.


We do not have a telephone
we do not use the cars we see
we go to town, though some will moan
they pass our buggy, so quickly.


We like to quilt, and make our clothes
we only eat the food we grow
we like to read our Bible prose
we love our life and Heaven knows.

New Changes

Welcome to the Class of Professor Neville, please private message him
for indroduction, and assignments.
Students of Neville, nead to correspond when him on postings..
We are sorry for the change, but new students need your assistance.
Cleaning non informative posts, and poets postings that have left.


Do Not Post Messages Or Anything Else, Please Do Not Quote!!
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
i]1. Pick a class or classes that you want to take.
Inform the Teacher so you are the roll call..
2. Start from assignment one
3. Post in the class/thread that you are taking introduce
yourself, and here is the key, keep the same post/spot,
and when you have finished your assignment, add it to
Student Folders here in the forum.
4. Post it on your page, in the commentary add what class your
assignment info, The Teacher has provided that for you.
5. Come back to class/thread, and delete the prior post.
6. Repost, inform the class you have posted your poem in the folder,
and have posted it on your page.
(This is a rotator process; look at the posts below;
organized in order, poets post, number poems,
so on and so on) in order=
a. rotator(me Mrs RULERACK)
b. Poets Posts
c. Teachers New Assignment
`
7. Critiques, critique on the Poets poem on their page, and copy your
critique, and copy/post it to your Critique folder.
The reason for the Critique folder, is so we learn how to critique:
8. Be proud of your selves, you are Grass hopper..
------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a technique called copy and paste, please use that function,
pm me I'll show you.
Much can take place behind the scenes as well by exchanging emails to personal boards.[/i]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Do Not Post Messages Or Anything Else, Please Do Not Quote!!
=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This is just a Guide Post/Rotator

We are sorry for the change, but new students need your assistance.
Thank you.

Last edited by WordSlinger 05-02-2010 at 09:45:25 AM

Quote

Flag Post

RE: Channeling The Flow

Here's my sonnet Neville

Nature Boy

The boy that sees no face
is blessed in gypsy clothes;
with heart in night’s resign
he claims his gifted sight.
His laughter’s warm embrace
creates a voice that knows.
His eyes begin to shine
through darkness like a light.

His being lifts and glows
inside that great design
with no desire to trace
an old transparent pose;
in psalm: reborn divine:
he seeks to find our grace.


RH Peat/ 1/21/04 —
Nonce sonnet: Iambic trimeter/ 14 lines
Rhyme scheme: abcd/abcd//bca/bca
The blind boy.

RE: Channeling The Flow

Hi Teach!
I am new to this and school has been a long,long time ago, but I used to get A's.
Here's a poem I put up on my site recently:
Flowers in the Grass

Flowers in the grass
some delicate
some like brass
grow together with
weeds and grass.
Their color and perfume
awake with the morning dew,
Which one are you?

From shirl]

RE: RE: Channeling The Flow

Quote:

Originally Posted by shirl

Hi Teach!
I am new to this and school has been a long,long time ago, but I used to get A's.
Here's a poem I put up on my site recently:
Flowers in the Grass

Flowers in the grass
some delicate
some like brass
grow together with
weeds and grass.
Their color and perfume
awake with the morning dew,
Which one are you?

From shirl]

RE: Channeling The Flow

MR. Neville, has informed me he shall return as soon as he can.