Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!
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Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!A group of three lines is known as a triplet, or a tercet. Many forms can be created using triplets with different rhyme schemes. We can begin easy. Give me a poem using three triplets (or more) with a rhyme scheme of a-a-b, c-c-b, d-d-b. What this means is the first two lines of each tercet will rhyme and the last lines of all three tercets will rhyme with each other....and don't forget the meter, please. How about iambic tetrameter (4 feet, 8 syllables) You will be judged on how well the meter flows. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Cute poem, John. That's not saying I understand the lines but I'll give it a "cute". |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Roaming Free, Finding Thee |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Very nice effort, Kas! You have a very good basis for a good poem here. The reason why you find it stilted is because you were not true to tthe iambic and, when you deviated from it, it became choppy. Iambic, as you may know but I'll review it anyway, is a short, unaccented syllable followed by a long, or accented one. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!please note: this poem is fiction Last edited by Aria 04-19-2010 at 11:45:50 PM |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Hey, Aria! Nice to see you here. You have some killer lines in this poem like the last line of the first tercet. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Form 4 tercets iambic tetrameter Last edited by Springsize 04-20-2010 at 12:54:54 PM |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!This is my attempt at trying something new. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!
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RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quote: Originally Posted by Balladeer Hey, Aria! Nice to see you here. You have some killer lines in this poem like the last line of the first tercet. Construction-wise, as per the lesson, well..... The syllable counts are off. Here are the counts per line.. 7-6-7 7-7-8 8-9-8 8-8-8 7-8-7 Of course, when there are erratic syllable counts, it's very difficult to maintain meter. The majority of your lines are trochaic, instead of iambic. Actually I would leave it that way and change any iambic lines to trochaic, which won't be difficult by claring up the syllable counts. Let's see what we can do.. Football games on Friday night, Texas town, yeah, it's all right, big hair, cold beer, red-neck-ville. After five, boys go to Jack's Bar and Grill, it's action packed; Alll hang out and look at Jill. Jill is hot, a real honey, loves tips 'cause she needs the money. hands out looks to give a thrill. We all go to church on Sunday, then eat lunch at Lucy's Cafe, drink iced tea, with free refills. Texas towns, they never change. You don't own a gun, you're strange. We're straight shooters, aim to kill. That makes it a trochaic poem (or an iambip poem with a silent syllable, and the syllable counts per stanza are pretty much in order. There's only one line that doesn't fit. Can you find it?  Thanks, Balladeer! Yes, I do see the importance of counting syllables, now. : ) Also, I had to get out my poetry handbook to understand the difference in trochaic (aka trochee?) and iambic...I really can't "hear" the difference, maybe it's my Texas drawl. Your re-write is a huge improvement...and I think the one line that doesn't fit is the 2nd line of the 4th stanza; "then eat lunch at Lucy's Buffet."..I changed Buffet to Cafe, but I'm not sure if it's better. I also changed the last line (for humor) it seemed a little flat. This has been a fun exercise, thank you Mr. B., for making me get out the poetry handbook and think about it. Author's Statement: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. I couldn't stand it, had to fix the line...hoping it's trochaic now, not dactyl. Last edited by Aria 04-20-2010 at 02:36:06 PM |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Very close, Aria! That line could be improved on but it's not the culprit. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Springsize, there's no need to keep working on the poems I correct unless you want to. In the future, I may give you advice on how to better the construction or whatever, and then I will ask you to keep working on it and post your revisions...if you feel like it. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!John, thanks for the second poem. I was getting worried that mayne you DID grow up in a henhouse! :eek: Last edited by Balladeer 04-20-2010 at 02:43:47 PM |
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RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quote:
Originally Posted by Balladeer Very nice effort, Kas! You have a very good basis for a good poem here. The reason why you find it stilted is because you were not true to tthe iambic and, when you deviated from it, it became choppy. Iambic, as you may know but I'll review it anyway, is a short, unaccented syllable followed by a long, or accented one. Your first line is perfect iambic. when I was YOUNG i SOUGHT my THRILLS Your second line is not. "running" is not a word that can be used to begin an iambic line, since the accented syllable is first, RUN. So what you wind up with is.. RUNning through FIELDS and OV-er HILLS. As you can see, the line begins with an accented syllable, followed by two short ones and then it finishes in iambic. Your third line has one problem.. my TRUE love HERE DES-tined to MEET. HERE DES are two accented syllables together, "tined to" are two unaccented ones together. Let's try to make it iambic, ok? When I was young I sought my thrills. I ran through fields and over hills My true love destined here to meet. SECOND STANZA ---------------------------- we KNEW love's PLACE, we FELT the SPARK...........excellent AFter DIN-ner we SOUGHT the DARK.........................nope we HELD on TIGHT to OUR HEART-beat.....................almost You began the second line with an accented one and also have two unaccenteds together. In the third line, the word heartbeat is your downfall. It is a word that begins accented and ends unaccented. Also it is not a proper rhyme. The rhyme always depends on accented syllables rhyming. What I mean is..."meet" and "heartbeat" is not a good rhyme because the accent is on "meet" but not "beat", but "heart". This is easily corrected, however. We knew love's place, we felt the spark. We dined and then we sought the dark. We held and felt our two hearts beat. THIRD STANZA ------------------------ OLD-er NOW but STILL i can FIND........nope those HAP-py MOM-ents IN my MIND...yes! fa-MIL-iar WHIS-pers, SOOTH-ing STREETS....yes!yes! Just the word "older" sabotaged you. Let's change it. I'm older now but still I find Those happy moments in my mind Familiar whispers, soothing streets. So let's see the finished product.... When I was young I sought my thrills. I ran through fields and over hills My true love destined here to meet. We knew love's place, we felt the spark. We dined and then we sought the dark. We held and felt our two hearts beat. I'm older now but still I find Those happy moments in my mind Familiar whispers, soothing streets. There are some other changes I could make but I think that you will see that the revised poems is much smoother and doesn't feel stilted. You had the syllable counts right, which is very important because, sometimes, it only takes a little rearranging of words to change the meter, such as "our heartbeats" to "our two hearts beat". That's what you have to look for. As I said, very good effort and I hope I was able to help a little. I look forward to your progress. Thank you VERY much for "grading" the poem for me! I need this type of feedback! I definitely understand the accented vs un-accented syllable now that I've seen spelled out for me. The edited version is much smoother; with minor changes - the poem lost none of it's integrity. I'll be continuing on in class and hope to have poem 2 posted up tonight or tomorrow. Thank you - kah |
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RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quote: Originally Posted by Springsize Form 4 tercets iambic tetrameter 1st,2nd lines each stanza rhyme 3rd lines rhyme all stanzas Please Note.. this poem is not fiction. A Part of the Mountain __________________ I was born in southern Cali nestled in a summer valley by the seashores with old folk-lores , of the big ones, that come too soon major 8 points, gaseous monsoon it's called shaking, earth-quakes, like war . Teeter totter, fragile city like a thin potato chippie off volcano's roasty new roar . X is our spot.... in two fault lines our land, quicksand, gimme a dime snap, we'll become, ocean's new floor. . Springsize ,welcome!!! Man, I can emphathize with you, living down here in South Florida where hurricanes can blow us away. Thonk I'll take the hurricanes, though. I son't fancy the thought of the ground opening up and swallowing me without notice! Ok, let's check out your poem. You begin trochaic and that's ok if you stick with it, which you did in the first stanza. I was BORN in SOUT-hern CA-li NEST-led IN a SUM-mer VAL-ley BY the SEAshores WITH old FOLK-lores The second stanza gets away from it, however, in a couple of places. OF the BIG ones, that COME too SOON MA-jor 8 points, GASeOUS monSOON IT'S called SHAK-ing, EARTH-quakes, like WAR In the first line you have "ones that", two unaccented syllables together. In the third line you "-quakes, like", also two unaccented syllables together . The third stanza has only one problem (assuming I;ll accept "potato chippie" as a valid word!) Teeter totter, fragile city like a thin potato chippie off volcano's roasty new roar OFF vol-CAN-o's ROAS-ty new ROAR......"-ty new", 2 unaccented syllables .Fourth stanza has a problem. X is OUR spot.... IN two FAULT lines OUR land, QUICK-sand, GIM-me a DIME SNAP, WE'LL be-COME, O-cean's new FLOOR. The third stanza has to unaccented syllables together "-me a", but I accept it because the two are said so fast they almost become one. The last line is a killer, though. It completely kills the meter. I would use..."Snap, we're ocean's brand new floor". All in all, for the first exercise, I think you did a very good job! . |
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RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quote: Originally Posted by bandit1192 This is my attempt at trying something new. For Cherry In this town of Leasureville peaceful and serene, until a darkness is revealed. Drowning under countless tears. Hidden for so many years. Abduction is concealed. Investigation incomplete... The evidence was not concrete. No clue found in the field. Twenty years have passed and gone. Tomorrow a new day will dawn. With that dark wound unhealed. Sadly, this is a true story. She disappeared without a trace. I'll never forget my fear as a parent and the sadness I felt for hers. TS Bandit, that's an incredible poem. It is dark, haunting and very powerful in it's presentation. There is little I would want to touch in it. BUT.........I'll critique it, anyway, 'cause that's what I do.  In the first two stanzas, you use the trochaic form in the first two lines and iambic in the third. The third stanza you make totally iambic. In the fourth stanza you begin trochaic, go to iambic in the last two. There is nothing wrong with the first three stanzas. It's is perfectly acceptable to use the forms you did because you were true to them. In the last, however, the word "tomorrow" kills you if it is followed by another unaccented syllable, making it very choppy from that point on. Such a great poem deserves a better ending. How about this?? Twenty years have passed and gone. Tomorrow brings a brand new dawn. With that dark wound unhealed. In any case, the poem is great. If this particular workshop does nothing more than having been the catalyst for this poem's creation, it will be worthwhile. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quite a poem, John, that covers a lot. I confess that there are lines I don't quite grasp the meaning of but, being new here, I'm not yet accostumed to your style and, when I am, perhaps all of the pieces will fall into place. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!i've very much enjoyed the posts here, great pieces posted, and very instructive from all sides - in the spirit of Bandit's "trying something new," i hope this late contribution is useful ... criticism welcome/expected, and if you don't have time that's ok too ... what a busy year it's shaping up to be |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Well, dancinghawk, you certainly did pay attention to feet. As a matter of fact, as far as meter is concerned, you are a natural. In this entire poem there was not one syllable out of place nor one foot out of line. |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!sweet! this is a much more formal presentation than i usually choose, but what a great exercise ... and easier after seeing some of the tips you had for other posters ... thx for breaking it down to something we could play with ... there's always much to learn ... great reminders/introductions to formal terms ... |
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RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Yes, that unaccented syllable can be trying at times, so much so, that the poetic powers that be (those who set up all those rules and guidelines in the first place),gave them selves an out. |
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My Offering (Fellow Traveler)
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RE: My Offering (Fellow Traveler)Quote: Originally Posted by kabbalistic Here is my rather flawed offering, such as it is... Fellow Traveler In this virgin moment where our beleaguered hearts have been bonded and healed; In this virgin hour where our lives have thus been inscribed and sealed; We forever through the deepest chasm have forever a foundation laid; To the slippery heights of our perilous days, we’ve to each other made; That promise to guard the virgin days and virgin treasures of virgin bliss; Though we may aimlessly wind, turn and falter-yet determined to never again miss; Each other on the treacherous way, the briared path- the uncertain, riddled end; With you my fellow traveler, this virgin forever I pledge to willingly spend. ooohhh! I like it! I'm not sure that this is a critique, but my ears and heart like this poem! kah 
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RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!Quote: Originally Posted by dancinghawk i've very much enjoyed the posts here, great pieces posted, and very instructive from all sides - in the spirit of Bandit's "trying something new," i hope this late contribution is useful ... criticism welcome/expected, and if you don't have time that's ok too ... what a busy year it's shaping up to be holy cats ... well ... i had a little down time yesterday, so i started on this assignment for fun, and now it's haunting me, lol ... it's been very instructive ... been a while since i put this much detailed attention into feet and it gave me a good excuse to pursue some of my favorite threads ... industry, environment, and history, with a focus on "the town where i live" ... so ... 3+ stanzas of 3 lines each, aad, bbd, ccd rhyme ... in an attempt at iambic tetrameter ... that last stanza is all ddd, so i'm not sure if that's within the assignment ... it seems to give it a tumbling feel at the end, so much rhyme ... Native No More This canyon echoes rumbling rails while ancient creek bed holds its tales, and diving falcons practice fleet with dancers - now all whirling birds. As fish swim close to banks of words sprayed ‘neath the beasts of steel, discrete, I think of those who went before – they traveled far to fish a store of salmon jumping up the street. The salmon jump, alas, no more, And those who lived were shown the door – the Chief, he rests his weary feet along the Falls now owned by men who might not care for fish or fen (they sit inside a room to meet). The river runs through PCBs – polluters seem to sleep with ease. The sun shines on with light and heat and we keep on our meet and greet, while birds of prey hunt on for meat: in place of salmon … nothing’s sweet. Love this, dancinghawk!! The message, the flow(meter), and the wonderful images you've drawn with your words. My heart aches at what I never knew, but still miss... kah |
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RE: My Offering (Fellow Traveler)Quote: Originally Posted by kabbalistic Here is my rather flawed offering, such as it is... Fellow Traveler In this virgin moment where our beleaguered hearts have been bonded and healed; In this virgin hour where our lives have thus been inscribed and sealed; We forever through the deepest chasm have forever a foundation laid; To the slippery heights of our perilous days, we’ve to each other made; That promise to guard the virgin days and virgin treasures of virgin bliss; Though we may aimlessly wind, turn and falter-yet determined to never again miss; Each other on the treacherous way, the briared path- the uncertain, riddled end; With you my fellow traveler, this virgin forever I pledge to willingly spend. Nice to see you, kabbalistic, and I appreciate your joining in. As far as the assignment goes it's not iambic, doesn't follow the rhyme scheme requested, isn't about a home town.... but otherwise it's great!  (can't seem to get the word virgin out of my mind after reading it!)
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Poetry is finer and more philosophical than history; for poetry expresses the universal, and history only the particular.
Aristotle (384 BC-322 BC) Greek philosopher.