RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

I'm new to this site, but while exploring I found this interesting class. It reminded me of something I wrote back in the early 1800's, after a night of drinking with Baron Lytton. 'twas his contention: the pen was mightier than the sword, but being something of a paladin at the time, I begged to differ.

The sword or the pen
When you need to win
Does one trust words o’er might?

A tersely written retort
May serve to suffice in court
But will it be enough to win the night?

Back where I come from
A man is just a bum
If he can’t handle himself in a fight

So give me a broad blade
In defense of yon fair maid
And I’ll dispatch her captors into the light

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Well, for a fellow who wrote something in the 1800's, you look very well preserved for your age....must be those martinis, shaken not stirred.

Not sure why this lesson reminded you of this poem, since it's not about a home town and not in iambic tetrameter but I appreciate your joining in.

If you would like for me to critique the poem and show you the problem areas, I'll be happy to.

Welcome!

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

No thank you. I'm sure it was just the rhyming scheme that caught my eye.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Balladeer

A group of three lines is known as a triplet, or a tercet. Many forms can be created using triplets with different rhyme schemes. We can begin easy. Give me a poem using three triplets (or more) with a rhyme scheme of a-a-b, c-c-b, d-d-b. What this means is the first two lines of each tercet will rhyme and the last lines of all three tercets will rhyme with each other....and don't forget the meter, please. How about iambic tetrameter (4 feet, 8 syllables) You will be judged on how well the meter flows.

Don't worry. Meter is one of those things that come easily to some and seem impossible to others. Don't be afraid to try it. Mistakes will enable you to learn.

Oh, yes....make the poem about the town in which you live

Last edited by cousinsoren 04-24-2010 at 05:39:02 AM

RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Last edited by cousinsoren 04-24-2010 at 05:48:32 AM

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

A pleasure to meet you, cousinoren.

The sentence you gave is pure iambic

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Good Morning All ~

First of all, I want to thank you, Balladeer for your help with the poetic form of meter counts... It's all new to me, and worthy, as your time spent with the personal critiques for us.

Also, congratulations, dancinghawk, on your grade A poetic meter in perfect form.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Hello, simoneaugustus! Very nice of you to join us! Actually I like your poem. It's very informative and follows the subject matter.

Unfortunately, it breaks the other rules that the poem be (iambic) and (2) that there be 8 syllables per line. You syllable counts are:

8-8-7
8-9-7
8-8-9
7-9-10
9-11-14

As far as iambic is concerned, you need to study the form. Iambic is an unaccented syllable followed by an accented one, such as.....i LOVE to WATCH the SEA.

In your poem, that flow is missing.

as i FRIT-ter my YOUTH a-WAY
NOW that I am WIS-er and OLD-er

You simply need more experience in writing in iambic meter. I will help you with it as much as you like. Welcome!

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Now THIS is what I'm talking about! A fellow poet takes a constructive critique, uses it and goes back to rework his/her work and apply it. It shows someone dedicated to perfecting her poetry and I fully respect for you, simoneaugustus.

You corrected the syllable counts perfectly. All lines now have eight syllable...good work.

As far as the iambic goes, it is 500% better than it was. There are still a few glitches which I will point out but your changes were a major improvement.

"RENT-ing WAS con-SID-ered a SIN."
When you begin a line with an accented syllable, it is not iambic. It also makes you shuffle other syllables to get back on track and create another deciation, like "-ered a", two unaccented syllables together.

"throughOUT the COUNT-ry we TRAV-eled."
You have the two unaccented syllables together, "-ry we".

"AL-ways new MAPS to un-RAV-el"
Line begins with accented syllable, leading to the two unaccented ones, "-ways new" and "to un-".

FOR a short SPELL we LIVED a-BROAD.
Too hard to put the accent on "a", instead of "for".

TIL fam-IL-iar SO-il we'd TROD.
Begins accented.


NOT at EASE but AT a-TEN-tion.
begins accented.

Even with those erors, it is STILL an improvement. Let's work on it a little and see what we come up with. I'll rewrite it in iambic, trying not to change your message, and you can decide if it flows better.

I traveled all my youth this way
There was no one place we could stay
We could not help but move again

The military didn't know
Should they keep us or let us go
To rent was considered a sin.

Throughout the country side we went
New maps and routes to circumvent.
How many places have I been?

For one short spell we lived abroad
Until familiar soil we trod
And then we unpacked once again.

Now I have entered adulthood
I wonder at how long I stood
At ease? No, full attention.

It could still be done better but that's an idea of how the flow is changed by using iambic. You may like yours better and that's allowed. It's your work and whatever makes you happy is the right way for you.

Last edited by Balladeer 05-04-2010 at 05:32:12 PM

Edison Place, Peter Francisco Park, Newark, NJ 2010

Does this fullfill the requirements of the assignment?

*********************************************************************************************************
Edison Place, Peter Francisco Park, 2010

On murky marsh of memory,
As far as eye can rightly see
A sad, slab stone in dying park;

It sits forlorn in Down Neck's square,
We've long forgotten why it's there,
Stands resolutely in the dark.

We in that war that makes no sense,
A list of names is written hence,
As loved ones mourn their heavy loss;

We ask "How shall we win this war"?
Not "What are we here fighting for?"
Can't bear the weight of moral cross.

No lessons learned-we've failed to ask,
We're not equiped for morbid task,
Of fighting lies and apathy.

And "peace with honor" Nixon said,
Without objection from the dead,
Whose names on slab we clearly see.

One name inscribed was Bill O'Shea,
Whose sisters heard the news that day,
The war had run its awful course.

Had claimed a life it does not own,
A cold inscription etched in stone,
Inflicted grief through foolish force.

In school I saw the sisters grief,
In tragic truth beyond belief,
Their cries cannot be fully heard;

Across from sleepy bus and train,
A palid slab will thus remain,
That final, frigid, silent word.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

It's an excellent poem, sir. Your use of alliteration is brilliant and the meter exact. Does it follow the requirements of the assignment? Well, almost. Instead of using a-a-b, c-c-b, d-d-b, you only carried the last line rhyme for two stanzas instead of three. Be that as it may, it's an excellent poem that says a lot and with a lot of feeling. I salute you, good sir.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

I'm sorry! I will try again, good brother Mike!

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

give me a name,any name you'd like
ill take it and hold it always in my sight
it will help win the daily battles of life

the name should not mean a thing
just something someone, anyone could sing
because this name will be the song of my fight

its the name of my soul that only one will ever know
just give me a name any name worth to know
and ill take it to my garden and we can watch it grow.

critique please!!! -Audrey-

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Hello, Audrey...it's a pleasure to meet you! I appreciate your taking the time to attend my class. Having said that (and being the mean bully that I am) I have to say you didn't really follow the guidelines set forth for this assignment.


The first two lines of each stanza should rhyme and the final lines of each stanza all must rhyme. You did fine with the first two lines of the first two stanzas, rhyming "like" and "sight", along with "thing" and "sing". In the third stanza, however, you rhymed "know" and "know". Well, they do rhyme but how could they not? They are the same word!!


All of the last lines are supposed to rhyme but you have "life", "fight" and "grow", obviously words that do not have the same rhyme.


You also need to have the proper meter. First of all, to maintain meter, the number of syllables in the rhyming lines must be equal. Here are your syllable counts for the lines of the three stanzas..

9-11-11 8-10-11 14-11-14


As you can see, there is no consistency there. It's not possible to maintain either an iambic or trochaic meter like that. I suggest you study the different fors of meter and give it another try. I'll be waiting....I'm here to help.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

I don't know why this caught my eye but I open for critique. Hehehe

Writing in Braille

He wanted to fight
He gave a black eye
Hands clenched, and no blow

She wanted a high
She begged for a dime
Hands eager, and no dough

He wanted to eat
He laid at shoed feet
Hands gesture, and too slow

She wanted to cry
She stood by side
Hands quiver, and no hug

He wanted to kill
He achieved his thrill
Hands folded, and already gone

Is it me to perceive
A small hand in peace
Hands out, and held in love
Is in a world meant to be
Where only fools can see

Hehehe silly me
This must be your city
I'm writing in Braille

Last edited by ccslim 06-12-2010 at 10:23:36 AM

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Quite an interesting poem. Yes, there are spelling errors, such as clinched instead of clenched and "to slow" instead of "too slow" and the meter is erratic and the rhyme is lost on the last stanza....and yet, despite all of that, there is a certain charm to the writing. It sounds almost like street or hood lingo...like I said, a very interesting write. Thanks for your participation, sir.

RE: RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Hey, ccslim! Thanks for the kind words about my teaching time. I admire people who want to better their writing and are willing to learn. We can all learn things, can't we?

I said "erratic meter" for the following reasons...



He wanted to fight.........................5
He gave a black eye......................5
Hands clenched, and no blow........5

She wanted a high........................5
She begged for a dime..................5
Hands eager, and no dough..........6

He wanted to eat.........................5
He laid at shoed feet....................5
Hands gesture, and too slow........6

She wanted to cry.......................5
She stood by side.......................4
Hands quiver, and no hug.............6

He wanted to kill.........................5
He achieved his thrill...................5
Hands folded, and already gone...8

Is it me to perceive.....................6
A small hand in peace................5
Hands out, and held in love.........6
Is in a world meant to be............7
Where only fools can see...........6

Hehehe silly me........................5
This must be your city...............6
I'm writing in Braille...................5

Based on those numbers, you can see where the deviations are. The meter throughout the poem is actually quite good. There is only one line that really sticks out as being contrary - "He achieved his thrill". All of the other lines begin iambic with the accent on the second syllable or word, but not that one.

The more I read it, the more it grows on me....a very interesting piece of work.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Night Music

The sun disappears behind the tilled lands
as night covers what looks like meadowlands.
And sounds of the owls come out of the dark.

The noise of the owls disturb the mice
who squeak hidden below the sound advices
as the nests are filled with eggs and young larks.

Then the chirping of crickets tell the time
as we walk by them with perfect head rhymes
of the night music in the moonlight arc.

RE: Gimmee a poem....and make it a triple!

Thank you for joining in. Your poem paints a very nice picture indeed, easy to imagine in one's mind.

Having said that, the syllable counts are off, which also throws the meter off. The iambic is lost in several lines..

be-HIND the tilled LANDS
as NIGHT CO-vers
as the NESTS
then the CHIRP-
BY them with PER-
of the NIGHT MUS-ic

If you correct the syllable counts so that the same number of syllables comprise each line. it will help you with the meter. Try to correct the iambic and let me see a revised edition, if you care to, ok?