i find myself here quit often ...this place ..this empty vassness of possibilties this place where no one really seems to understand..yet the few that do, know ..they really know..there is an art to being alone...now i could can and have dissappeared for many years...walking through this place ..where most would rather die than find themselfs alone in this vast darkness filled with ..the what ifs, but lacking the blind faith that is the souls only search light to signal their kinderd spirits out here in outter space ..i didnt arrive here in a rocket ship..no this just took years and years and years of neglect and abandonment ..being the youngest in a crowd..has its rewards but the price is very loud silence..that creeps from beneth a heart that knows nothing of human touch ..relationships or anything normal except how to fuck excuss my vulgar choice in words but its the truth when all ive got or come to understand is lust is in my blood ...i wasnt taught how to express what my needs are i was never showen what it means to give and receive no physical affections ....i just observed how my family functioned ..how could i describe this ..from my point of view..hmmm lets see...its like a puzzle obsecured and missing pieces ..even if those pieces were found and it was complete the picture or final result would still be a mysterie..kinda like if you taught someone how to fix a car gave them the parts they needed and everything but denied them the tools to complete this ..agrevating ..kind of like my spelling im getting progesively worse not by choice or lack in effort..im just loosing that abilitie to focus that long on anything anymore....so the reason im writting this is basically i need to vent and just like my art it helps me heal ..my works are not literal or truth from a majorities opion or watchful eye..but thats why im alone and just try and live my life ..for those that understand me or even want to ...thats beautiful that someone sees and connects to the beauty and completely stripped soul that resides here..i love to love..or lust anyway ..im not gonna get trippin over anyone elses coat tails anymore im not gonna tell you how stunning you are when you obviously already know this and use it to your material gain ..im not going to pretend that it dosent hurt anymore to realize how you ment to kill me...i forgave it from the day we met i wasnt wanting your sex i just wanted you to know what exists beyond this primal fucked up way of thinking majority rules when theres money passed under the the table to make sure you or they win ..i really dont fucking care what you or anyone else says or thinks of my life style at the very least im living this life for me so yes it is all about me im making sure of that in this last part of my life ..bitter naw eye candy no flat belly lol hardly..but the best part to love is the heart i have in me ...so forgive my saying i know you know you all fucked up im not claiming victem nor crying for whats to come ..i dont anything from anyone ..but im always willing to give i dont want it back all i ever wanted was for her to be safe happy and with the right person of her choice esp not me cause im so fucked up in my head ..and no one deserves the demons ive got to constantly fight except me..so from here just know i will never forget you i loved you more than life its self ..im a misserable fuck whos worthless and self centered and im an asshole ..so thats my art of being alone....i dont mind it here at all ..besides you never know when the next train is headin your way..so my bags are packed just in case..peace ..i love you