What could have been!

3 Comments

What could have been!

As he lay staring at the spot on the wall,

and rued the chances lost,

paint peeling off,

he thought of what could have been,

bright pink under the peel.

 

As he pressed his face against the grill,

and saw others pass before him,

leaving him behind,

he thought of what could have been,

big dreams webbed together.

 

As years peeled off,

and saw his offspring flail,

leaving him nothing to hang onto,

he thought of what could have been,

my today for their tomorrow.

 

As he lay on the bed of rest,

and felt the pangs of loneliness,

waiting for something to happen,

he thought of what could have been,

kids playing around him in his garden.

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letterpress commented on What could have been!

11-03-2009

One thing I like about paint as a metaphor is how it used to cover things up or make them look nice. But eventually paint peels and cracks. From dust you came from dust you shall return. I hope this wins.

abraham

11/04/2009

Thanks for the appreciation. Hope the paint stays!!!

BusinessPoet commented on What could have been!

10-29-2009

This poem is wonderfully written. The rhythm and stabbing clarity of the imagery {"bright pink under the peel" "big dreams webbed together"} combine to create a definite twinge in the reader's chest. Well done. If you want to revisit some of the lines, my only suggestion would be to look at the last 5 lines to bring it to a stronger close. **This is my first visit to this site, so I'm hoping this is the kind of feedback you were looking for - If not, please don't take offense at my comments above

abraham

10/30/2009

Thanks again for taking time for a good read. Well, I must say I had a friend of mine comment the very same thing about the last 5 lines as you did. I'll try my best. And this is what I expect from critical readers. Thanks.

BusinessPoet

10/30/2009

Thanks - I'm glad you appreciate the feedback. I've been away from writing my own stuff for a while and I'm finding this forum a great way to get back in to a creative state of mind.

Marsink commented on What could have been!

10-29-2009

Many of my hours are filled with "coulda, woulda, shoulda". The only readers who can't relate to this are zombies, or they're 'perfect'. Good write. I'm sort of new here but, we should be expecting to hear good reports on your body of work.

abraham

10/30/2009

Thanks for your encouraging comments. Could you think of a better title for the poem. I'm not sure about it.

If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry.

Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) American poet.

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