A cry for help and a buck or two thousand

I am screaming at the top of my lungs right now.
Except no one can hear me because I'm keeping it muffled by this fake smile!
I'm not myself anymore.
Just what "they" want me to be.
I feel like the man is keeping me down and making sure my pockets are empty.
Saving my change to feed my friends.
To feed the alter ego.
To keep up with the times even though I can't keep the electricity on.
I'm cold.
I'm annoyed.
I'm scared.
I need help.
I refuse to take it though.
I'm letting him hang on and eat my food.
I hate this.
What do I do now?
I fear letting people down.
I never want to be the bad guy.
Why do I have so many enemies?
I'm starving.
Not only for some food but attention.
Sometimes I want it to be over.
Sometimes I want to escape.
Is there something wrong with me or does everyone write the same letter once in their life?
Life goes on.
I just hope my life takes a different direction.
Playing with matches.
Burning my finger tips.
Playing with matches again.
Running back in to the arms that won't even carry my grocery's out to the car for me.
But the first to cook them using too much pepper.
Why Do I make it this hard?
Is it still my fault?
Am I the one that tied that brick to my ankle.
I hope I can get it off before the tide comes in.
Tears of joy and tears of pain are one in the same for me these days Jo.
Love you...