Promises....

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  • Friendship

    Promises....

    Despite your promise to me

    I was waiting for you to walk away

    For throughout my whole life

    There were not many that did stay

     

    Upon meeting you for the first time

    I told you that you would abandon me

    You made a promise to never give up

    You said just wait and see

     

    Now it’s four and a half years later

    You returned my call

    You said it just may be the end

    I felt my heart break and my hope fall

     

    The reasoning behind all this seems to be

    That you don’t know if what you’re doing is right

    You don’t know if we’re going the right direction

    But something came to me through my tears that night

     

    When you made that promise

    To never give up on me that day

    The day I decided to trust and open up

    There’s just one thing I never heard you say

     

    I never heard stipulations

    I never heard exceptions such as this

    Had I heard I would have listened

    I would not have held on to your promise

     

    What I did hear that day

    Was my instinct saying don’t believe

    Run fast and far

    For this will only lead you to grieve

     

    Here am I now

    Barely holding on, everything’s such a blurry mess

    I can’t seem to focus on anything

    I’m sinking in this quicksand called stress

     

    Despite overwhelming pain

    I stand here occasionally pained with anger now

    How could you wait until three days of losing another support

    How could you choose now, to go out with a bow?

     

     

     

     

    I realize I am not always easy to handle

    But in my darkest of darkest days

    You have helped guide me along and learn to cope

    The one who falls to her knees and prays

     

    Now I have done this once again

    Failing in my own beliefs as I do not understand

    How God could promise me love and comfort

    But yank away the helping hand

     

    In all of this I have since come to believe

    It is not God letting me go

    For He gave us all free will and through all of my prayers

    This is what He wanted me to know

     

    You hung up that day knowing I would be a mess

    Knowing my eyes were filled with tears, and my heart of sorrow

    It was so hard to hang on until Tuesday

    As I did not believe I would make it until tomorrow

     

    So I coped in the only ways I knew how

    I did what I thought was best

    And the times I didn’t

    I did them to give my heart a rest

     

    I used to say I was just a client

    That I mattered not but now I know

    I was not even good enough to be that

    As I have now been twice, let go

     

    I know you will never look back

    My face will disappear

    My tears shed, my life story

    My laugh, my fear

     

    Abandoned I feel

    Rejected

    By the ones by which

    I felt most protected

     

    The underlying belief?

    Well, worthless of course

    I should have done a lot different

    So in that failure, I am full of remorse

     

     

     

     

    I had hope

    Trust I had built

    Now I am full of pain

    But mostly guilt

     

    I wrote this poem

    I should have written a letter

    But I couldn’t let go of the emotions

    And I could write this much better

     

    For when I write poems

    Fragments are not an issue

    Unlike my life

    Broken in pieces, without any glue

     

    You held me together

    On days I thought the worst had occurred

    But you made me see the light

    And be proud that I had endured

     

    You helped me get through school

    And so much personal loss

    All of which now

    I don’t know whether to hold onto or toss

     

    I am so confused

    Was anything with you ever real

    I have to tell you now due to all of this

    I don’t think it’s ever possible for me to heal

     

    I knew at the time of your call

    When you said my voice would be heard

    That your decision would be made before

    And that you never intended to keep your word

     

    I simply or rather not simply

    Being it took all I had to get here

    To tell you goodbye, holding as steady as possible

    As I am filled with anxiety and fear

     

    You did what you wanted

    You did what you thought was right for you

    I understand

    As much as you could expect me to

     

     

     

     

    You are no longer responsible for me

    I can expect that that’s a relief

    So with one last word I can close this poem

    That should have been brief

     

    Goodbye.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    Poetry is not the expression of personality but an escape from personality.

    T. S. Eliot (1888-1965) American-English poet and playwright.

    AlyssaRose1983’s Poems (13)

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