I seek you to no avail.
The experienced say to stop looking
having closed their eyes upon ‘settling’.
Compelled and ‘awake’ I continue.

Having never learned to date
due to childhood damage
and turn or burn institutions,
my divorced self is determined to evolve

My heart hums slow, deep, and rhythmic -
anticipation feeding its beat with each new introduction,
while desperation interrupts its dance-
both conductors still based on fear.

So I turn to the virtual world of
‘Free personality profiles’-
an excited new disciple of Dr. Grandpa
and his doctrine of compatibility based lifetime loves.

Knowing the game is in full play,
I’m still unable and unwilling to engage.
The steps of this particular dance
too complex for one as simple as I.

Yet I can not seem to stop looking for you
as if I was missing a part of myself.
Feeling lopsided, out of sync,
reactive and weak…
I remain hopeful yet sad.
Knowing the answers I seek are with-in
while finding it hard to stop looking with-out.

Certain of my stupidity I risk anyway
and find I’m better for having done so.
Though the journey continues and
I seek you to no avail…