I don't hate myself

And i don't hate myself, just the things that I've done.
30 years later and it still gets to me.
i close my eyes and I'm 12 years old again.
I'm...happy
that's what i miss the most, being happy
however brief it was
i can remember my 16 year old boyfriend Jared, the one i thought loved me.
how wrong was i!
love? what a silly, fickle, FOOLISH concept
that's how i came to be pregnant-"love"
he said he loved me and if i loved him id give myself to him
all of me.
and so i did
3 weeks later and my period doesn't come
i cant remember the lies
the betrayal
the hurt
the pain
the tears
but mostly, disappointment
from my parents.
our relationship was never the same after that.
they i told them i was pregnant at age 12, i could see their trust and faith in me vanish
It was like a part of them died.
That boy i thought loved me?
Yeah, he left
didn't even look back
some "love" i never bothered with it again
the following 9 months are a blur
i remember having that baby
MY baby
holding my baby
loving my baby
knowing that i couldn't give her everything she needed
my love just wasn't enough
i remember pushing my beautiful 5 month old baby girl,
with  the curly brown hair and dimple in her right cheek
 to the mall in her stroller
and leaving her
with a note that said "i love her so much but i cant keep her, please take her"
and walking, running away
with tears running down my cheeks
crying
sobbing
faster
not looking back
not going back
leaving her
it all
behind.
yeah, 30 years later and it still gets to me, but now i don't hate myself, just the things that I've done