Self-Hate

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Tags:
  • Depressed
    • Christina13
    • just put all the poems I have typed up on fb book

    Self-Hate

    I hurt myself

    Because I wake up hating myself

    Thinking maybe you should hate me too

    Maybe I’ve developed enough self –hate

    For both me and you

     

    All this pain has caused layers

    Of self-loathing

     

    The hatred

    Comes from my relying on everyone,

    Only then to have everyone fail me

    I can feel myself blindly cutting

    I can not love myself like

    You think I should

     

    All this pain

    I’ve become a prisoner

     

    I don’t care how much it hurts

    I just want to hit rock bottom

    Just to stop from free fallin’

     

    I sometimes hate myself enough

    To take The Razor Edge Express

     

    What hurts the most

    Is your disdain for me

    I find it hard to be myself

    Around you and your constant judgments

     

    Why do you look at me that way?

    You make me feel

    As though I was a mistake

    The one you regret most of all

     

    You’re still trying to grasp

    The fact that I feel pain too

     

    Why can you not understand !?!

    It’s not just me,

    It’s not just you,

    It’s not just them,

    It’s not just this, that, or the other thing,

    IT’S EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!

     

    Writing this I feel like

    I have no skin,

    Everything I touch no mater how slight

    Hurts!

     

    Yet you don’t get it

    Instead

    You blame it on the friends I make,

    On the music I listen to,

    On the clothes I wear,

    Or on the color of my hair,

    This pain was here long before

    Any choices in friends, music, hair style or fashion were made

     

    The layers are deeper than that,

    Maybe too deep for you to understand,

    Or realize,

    Yet I keep writing,

    In a feeble attempt to explain

    My pain and suffering

    just so you can sleep at night

     

    I’m sorry if I’m flawed,

    I’m sorry if I’m just,

    Being Human,

    But after all I’m only a,

    Human Being

     

    Knowing you will read this

    HURTS!

    Knowing I am wrong

    (In your eyes)

    And will have to apologize

    For the truth on how I feel

    Hurts me more than you could ever begin to imagine

     

    Even on paper

    I know you’ll ridicule me,

    God!

    I just can’t stand it

     

    I feel like this

    My life (up until now)

    Was forced,

    Faking my existence

    With a smile pleased you all too much

     

    What I hate most is

    You taking the fight right

    Out of me.

     

    The difference between, you and the razor?

    The razor doesn’t talk,

    You don’t listen!

     

    How can I focus on short-term happiness,

    When you remind of long-term pain?

     

    My heart!

    A layer blacken with bruises

    And struggling to stay together,

    As I bind it over and over again with scotch tape and super glue

    It’s a Pandora’s Box

    Of blackness, ash, and cob webs

     

    You’ll have no idea

    How hard I’ve tried to keep you happy,

    While still trying to be myself

     

    I could be okay if you’d just let

    Me breakdown

     

    Watching you throw a fit

    Over my unhappiness,

    Just makes me wanna slit my wrist

     

    Educating you on the truth of my pain

    Finding any happiness

    I though we once shared

    was untrue

    And yet all I’ll loose is a half truth

     

    Loving someone who has no faith

    In me at all

     

    Everyday gets grayer and grayer

    Until it’s just all black

     

    I can’t be all,

    You dreamed yourself to be,

    So you take your

    Frustrations

    Out on me,

     

    You welcomed me with needle filled arms,

    The razor welcomed me with bloody kisses,

     

    So far you’ve made all my nightmares come true,

    You’ve left me alone haven’t you?

    You're so full of shit

    You’re only there for me when there’s

    Something in for you

     

    Your actions contradict your words

    You tell me to “Grow up”, to

    “Take responsibility, for yourself”

    How can I, when you hurry to clean up my mess?

    Even though I never asked you to,

    And you only do it to conceal the fact

    That I have problems

     

    GOD DAMN your

    SELF-RIGHTEOUSOUSNESS

     

    Every time I get to this point

    “Are you okay?”

    That’s all you will say,

    As if I had a choice!

     

    I tried to be fair,

    I tried to live life the way you demanded,

    But it left the taste of

    Acid Pop Tarts in my mouth

     

    You think I want, or need your pity!

    Or new pills so, I can pretend to be

    “NORMAL”

    All the pity and pills in the world,

    Won’t save me from myself,

    Maybe I don’t need new drugs,

    Maybe what I need is a new life

     

    You’re the one who claims to care!

    I’m contemplating suicide

    So where the hell are you?

     

    Got razor to my wrist,

    All it does is make me bleed.

    Got pills in hand,

    All they do is make me sleep.

     

    Here I am

    I’ve gotten so use to your inaction

    That I’m actually hoping

    You don’t notice the

    Cuts running up and down my arms,

    Or the shame on my face

     

    Maybe I have trash can beliefs,

    Maybe being myself

    (Truly myself, without compromise

    Or apology) Is the damnable sin you

    Say it is

     

    I’m sure all you say,

    And more

    Is truth for you

     

    But then again…

    Maybe I’m just not gunna play your games anymore,

    Maybe that’s what you’re really mad about

     

    And yet given all that has

    Come to light in this poem,

    I know one thing you don’t

     

    Under all your money,

    Under all your “Chari,ty work”

    Under all your layers,

    You’re more FUCKED UP THAN I AM

     

     

     

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    Artie commented on Self-Hate

    02-18-2010

    Wow!! You really dug deep for this one. I know how it feels to reveal yourself in this way. Your thoughts are so well displayed here, that it's impossible to not be completely captivated by this write. There is so much anger and turmoil in all of us, and we all must find ways of coping. Excellent job here - 10 from me

    Madelynn commented on Self-Hate

    12-29-2009

    Ok..this is one of those awkward moments, when I have no idea what to say! LOL, well, that fact-is what makes this another one of Christina's, "Don't care if ya like it, or if ya don't" kinds of pieces, is that to all that know you, this is the nature of your art. You have your paper, you have your pen~and you have your heart...and then you create. Christina, I am sorry that sometimes it is owned by your pain.-your friend,Maddi

    Christina13

    02/18/2010

    Thankfuly I've learn to deal with my pain in healthier ways, I credit my poetry & friends like you with that. Thanks !

    Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It's that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that's what the poet does.

    Allen Ginsberg (1926-1997) U.S. poet.

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