Sleep?

Alone, I sit defiant.
Sleep will not take me.
The sound of nobody listening
is deafening in its existance.

I often wonder why
I give so much of myself
for nothing back.
Does anyone else?

I don't need time for me.
I don't want it.
I'm scraming out,
and I don't want advice.

I just want an ear,
a smile, an acknowlegment.
Maybe even a few exchanges
would lighten the mood.

It's not really sleep,
it's the absence of thought
that frightens, bewilders.
It's a place I never used to visit.

There-that white-knuckle feeling
of being alone, no- avoided,
of eyes cast to the floor-
anticipating my awkward presence.

What was once charisma,
slightly subtle charm,
fades to a thin veneer
of gradual acceptance.

Punishing, silent darkness
amid muted sighs of discontent-
the indifference and malaise
only go so far.

A pupose, a sense of self
that so many others have-
that I once had-
is a devestating loss.

I must have lost the number
for my questions and concerns,
and I have waited far too long
to put everything on hold.

12/04/10