The world didn’t know how tired I was working full time just like my husband was. I was always coming home to feed him , the kids, doing homework, tending to the needy and sometimes sick, cleaning house, giving baths, and then reading stories until the  kids dozed off to sleep. Thank God for precious moment routines that made my day and sometimes empty nights worthwhile. My insomnia was never seen.

  The world didn’t know how I cried at work wondering about his whereabouts , slipping in production, missing needed break when my job load became unbearable, Of course, I kept up and saved face because God made me tough and he knew I would strive well under pressure. Resentment crept when I had no mindful partner to bounce things off on. His evenings were spent answering the neighborhood calls and happenings in the late night wind.  My insomnia was never seen.

  The world didn’t know how SMD as he bragged about me to the boys with admiration.  He watched me head off to school meetings, attend extracurricular, shopping for household groceries, to attend church worship or bible studies. He told them “there goes my baby” but never joined in.    I kept moving like a creature of habit. My job to help the kids get spiritually grounded or feel emotionally supported didn’t go as planned. I was going through the motions. My insomnia was never seen.

 The world didn’t know how I held back tears of pain knowing that I gave birth to four children ended up  raising five. After all how can I blame an only child whose father was a male chauvinist teaching his only son the ways of a narcissist. It’s not his fault he had those traits and fit the bill “papa was a rolling stone” like my father too. Both of them echoed a woman should be barefoot, pregnant and stay at home or just  “lay dead cakes” and watch me do my thing. After all it’s for the family. It got tiring and I became weary of even wanting his touch after taking care of someone else’s physical needs.  My insomnia was never seen.

  The world didn’t know at times I bursted out in anger in verbal fights that without shielding the eyes and ears of the kids. I just wasn’t right! 

This man always  put meeting the needs of  his  boys ,host  of women friends, and slinging  in the streets before satisfying the needs of his wife and place at home, There were memorable family night times but far and few in between. There was just enough of them for him to say that box was checked off and for me to accept that was better than nothing. I suppose. My insomnia was never seen.

 The world didn’t see the dozens of times I kept one eye open when I went to sleep because I knew I was about to be woke up by my husband. It became routine for him to be .coming in from a night of drinking, drugs, and womanizing. He would pick a fight when I didn’t give him more money to go back to the trap. Just one incident occurred where I was taken back by the grip of hands around my neck pleading for a $10 spot.  I made it clear that he could have it one more time and that would be that.  God knows, I am not the one. It made me cautious and I shouldn’t have given in. I should have walked out way back then. I loved Dr Jekyll and hated Mr. Hyde. This cycle of being half drunk and being high outweighed the sober in his senses, typically loving the family and being mild. My insomnia was never seen.

 The world didn’t know how I kept swallowing my pride dismissing the red flags. I just wanted my family and ignored the calls from that woman or theseWO-men entanglements. They constantly called to entice my husband back into their worlds where he was the “life of the party” I stopped asking why me, why me? I was always given the same response, “you knew how I was when you met me.” I SEE! That didn’t make it right! My insomnia was never seen.

 The world didn’t know how I started to believe the lies that he just wanted his family and to me he would be true. But on that same day, I heard laughter and words to his boys “ I had her cousin , a friend, or two”  echo from the basement . In that moment I made a change in my heart to no longer be a fool. My insomnia was never seen again.

 The world didn’t know how low I felt  and would go. I finally dished out some of that “ tit for tat”  thinking and living in hopes he would feel my pain. It didn’t bring him any shame. After it was all said and done, it was me who could not look in the mirror without sadness and shame. God didn’t build me  like that so my prayer for him was to help me find my way out. My insomnia was never seen. 

Im still standing. God PROMISES to give you the desires of your heart when you do the right thing by your children. If you find yourself in a situationship or entanglement and it’s not about them---don’t engage--- RUN.  I should have a long time ago.Once that lesson was learned. I never looked back.  My insomnia was not even a factor. It was gone for good and Never SEEN
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 Moral of the story. ,,,,Wrong is wrong no matter who started it or who finished it.Pointing the finger is not justified if you end up doing the same thing that was done to you.BUT-Never ignore  the red flags when a person shows you who they really are. And never think for a second marriage will change them.Stay true to yourself so that God will repay you  for being a good person and mother. He knows your heart, and your ability to do what you set out to do with all that you knew how to do.Never marry for the wrong reasons or you will end up in  a marriage that could turn  out to be “in name only. “

 AMEN

Charlette                                                                                                          10/1998