Goodbye, Cruel World!

Hell no, I am not about to commit suicide. Fact is, for the life of me, I cannot understand why some choose to snuff their own lives just because they failed in school or were rejected by someone they love. Neither am I terminally ill, although I’ve just realized that I don’t even know when my last check-up was (I’m scared that doctors might tell me that I have cancer), so I’d never really know, right?

I used to be so afraid of death when I was growing up. I feared it so much that when I was around 7 years old, there was a time when I woke up in the middle of the night crying and asking my grandmother if I would live again if I die. Well, of course, she said yes, and I recall telling her that if I would be born again I wish to be an American. Hahaha! And when I heard about reincarnation, I almost wanted to convert to Hinduism, not knowing that reincarnation meant existing in another form. Heck, I would never wish to become a plant or even an insect in my next life. Hahaha! I was so ignorant back then.

I was so afraid of the thought of dying that if I were a Hogwarts student, I am certain what form the Bogart would take when Professor Lupin opened the wardrobe. (I just gave proof of my addiction to Harry Potter. Hahaha!)
But in the last couple of years, I have come to accept the fact that death is as much a part of us as life itself. That no matter how we try, it remains inescapable, inevitable. And no matter what anyone else thinks, I believe that the end of our lives had been marked even before we were born.

You guys might wonder why I talk like this. It’s because I was reading Francis Magalona’s blog yesterday (A Filipino Rapper). He really made the Filipinos cry and proud at the same time! I’m in deep awe knowing that he had left a legacy. How I wish I can be like him.

Nevertheless, there was one thing I realized from reading his blog. I had lost my fear of dying. It allowed me to contemplate, prepare and accept the fact that death is part of all of us. That no matter how strong I was, nor how young I was, I was as vulnerable to death as the next man. And to deny this enormous truth will only make it more difficult for us once that moment comes. But do not confuse this as resignation and surrender. For me, this acceptance allowed me to want to live my life more, because I am aware of the chances that at any time, everything will end. There are so many things I still want to do with and to happen in my life.

But there is one thing that strikes in me at least a little fear when I think of dying, and that is the possibility of not being able to say goodbye. I am a thoughtful person, and most of the time I am able to fully express my love for the people who I value. But I’m not prepared enough to bid goodbye. I just don’t want to leave the people that I loved. Just the thought of it makes me lonesome. When I think of a way of dying, I actually keep on wishing that I would know in advance when it would happen, and I also don’t want to suffer too much before it happens.

Terminally ill patients are given a lot of time to say goodbye, but they suffer too much pain from it. There are those who die painlessly, but the suddenness of their deaths deprived them of a chance to say farewell. If there was a way to die without suffering but also knowing way before when you would die, I guess I want to take that route.

But not all wishes are granted, and that is why I’m writing these words for the following people:

To my parents, I may not say this often, but I love you much more than I love myself. I wish I had made you proud, and I hope to be around long enough to fulfill every promise I made to you ever since I was a child. But if time runs out on me, please know that somehow, I did my best to secure for you the comforts that you deserve.

To my sibs, please take care of our parents especially our Mama. We may not be the tightest knit family that there could ever be, but I know that we are one when it matters the most.

To my best friends, you know who you are. Thank you so much for everything. The fun times, the difficult times, the sorrows, the laughter. I will miss you all. I hope you celebrate my life more than you mourn my passing.

To that special someone, *ehem* thank you for sharing the best feeling in the world with me. I have learned a lot from you.


To those who treat me as their enemy, I have forgiven all of you. If I had offended or hurt you in one way or another, please forgive me. Be assured that I will never haunt you; there are no such things as imprints of a departed soul. Hahaha!

Of course I don’t want to have to say these words for a very long time, I still want to raise a family, start my own business, write books, to be slim and have nice abs, fulfill my promise to my best friend, and travel the world and so many more. But just in case, then at least I was able to say “au revoir”.