Raindrops on My Piano

2 Comments

Tags:
  • Lost Love
    • ,
  • Sadness
    • ,
  • Loss

    Poem Commentary

    Precious people are hard to come by and even harder to keep.

    Raindrops on My Piano
    I gave you the keys to my heart
    Along the way we fell apart
    Before you left I needed the truth
    You couldn't even give me an excuse

    Weren't you the one who spoke of trust
    Constantly accusing my insatiable lust
    I was faithful to you everyday of my life
    Four words away from making you my wife

    In my head I hear your voice crying
    As I fall to the ground I am dying
    Slowly pieces of me are unraveling
    While you are on your own traveling

    Why did you have to strip me to the bone
    I wanted to create a place you could call home
    Now the only songs I play don't even resonate
    Drowning in your rejection makes me hesitate

    I took a chance on love and I loved
    Your absence has me feeling disposed of
    You wouldn't believe how difficult it was
    To ruminate on what was the cause

    Am I too weak for baring my soul
    Hollow raindrops are making me lose control
    As our favorite song comes to its close
    I live with the fact that I lost my special rose

    Poem Comments

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    WordSlinger commented on Raindrops on My Piano

    12-11-2009

    I think you did really good here, yes this theme is old, but the love you have for the one is new, I'm sure, good poem, I agree with Peat, switch the 2, and bamm, it's a gem WS
    Reply to Comment

    Kaiprin

    12/23/2009

    Yeah, it does sound better that way. Thanks for the input Peat.

    RHPeat commented on Raindrops on My Piano

    12-11-2009

    the lament for the lost love. An age old theme. I think the rhyming couplets would make a better form instead of quatrains. It would be more like a guzzal in that way. A string of pearls. . I think I'd invert these two lines like this: (Slowly pieces of me are unraveling// While you are on your own traveling) it would make a stronger intent in the lines. Why don't you try metered lines (metric feet) You flow in the lines and rhymes are done well. start putting rhythm within the lines as well instead of just cadences. Just an idea. a poet friend// RH Peat
    Reply to Comment

    The true philosopher and the true poet are one, and a beauty, which is truth, and a truth, which is beauty, is the aim of both.

    Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Poet (1803-1882)

    Kaiprin’s Poems (43)

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    Forsaken Haiku 4 12/23/2009
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    Haiku Tangent: What Does It Really Mean? 2 12/22/2009
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    Haiku Part 5: The Ghuzal Tragedy 3 12/21/2009
    Haiku Part 4: Appeal 1 12/21/2009
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    Haiku Part 2: Regrets 7 12/18/2009
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    The Other Side of Me 3 12/11/2009
    Raindrops on My Piano 2 12/23/2009
    Look Through Me 2 12/09/2009
    Any Other Way 1 12/09/2009
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    As I Am 1 12/07/2009
    Apart 3 12/07/2009
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    Here To Stay 1 12/01/2009
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    Facing the Truth 1 06/04/2009
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