Forgetting You

9 Comments

Poem Commentary

My brother has been an aspiring poet for some time now and asked me to post this piece for him. He has asked for any and all input that readers would care to give. He is anxious to know what he's doing well and where he needs to improve. He does not have Internet access, so I agreed to post here for him. Thanks in advance to all who are willing to offer their advice to help my brother grow as an artist.

Forgetting You

Get out of my brain,
I'm going insane!
First thing I'll do:
Forget you.

Your words,
they echo, in and out.
I scream inside,
I cry an shout.

Still holds true.
Forget you.

Remembering is easy,
your face, your eyes;
I try to laugh,
to drown my cries.

Always wondering why,
it's true,
I must forget you.

Go away, I said,
quit haunting my dreams!
It's tearing my soul
and busting my seams.

I'll old my breath
'til I'm blue,
just to forget you.

The rain, it soothes
the wicked and depressed.
Life is too short,
but so full of stress.

I'll stay 'til my grave,
I'll see it all through, 
just for one chance
to forget you.

Writing this for all and
you, wait, who?
I just forgot you.


 

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Chaos128 commented on Forgetting You

11-01-2010

If there's room for improvement, it's way beyond my ability to spot it. It's an ingenious and entertaining epigram of the need to dislodge a recalcitrant memory that ends up as a cathartic epiphany.

angel33614 commented on Forgetting You

10-25-2010

part 3 What style, form, prose, rhyming scheme, meter, etc you use is all up to you but choose one and stick with it through out the poem. Even if you call it free verse which I love to use there is still some form and natural flow to it, what ever format you choose to write with it is just better to stay with that format within the entirity of the poem, otherwise it throws off the flow and meter of the poem and makes the meaning a little harder to obtain. Just my two cents for what they are worth. I am certainly no expert and not the most acadmic poet myself, but you did ask for an honest and constructive critique. Overall as my first comment said, I loved the poem! Purity of the soul, journey well!!! with grace and humility ANGEL- POB for life aka A blind man walking...

angel33614 commented on Forgetting You

10-25-2010

ok part 2 and please do not take this personally as I loved the emotional aspect and the meaning of the poem there are some room for improvement. OK here are a couple of points. First it is not always neccesary to capitalize the begining of each stanza, this all depends on the poet's preference, style, or the particular form used but if you capitalize some, do them all. It looks wierd to have some sentences capitalized while others are not, it makes the reader think there may be a reason or an point to this where there is none, so choose either one way or the other, makes no difference really which. Second there is one major spelling error that throws off the flow of the read, in the seveth stanza first line you forget to put an H in front of hold my breath, it it came out old my breath and took me a couple of reads to realize this was unintential and just a spelling error, I was thinking there was soem hidden meaning there were there was none. PLus is broke up the flow of the poem and made me stop and have to re-read that part several times. Third point rhyming, some poets love to use rhyme and other preferr free verse, I enjoy both forms of poetry but again choose one or the other, the rhyming scheme is all over the palce, some stanzas have a pattern to the rhyme, some don't some change the pattern, and some have no ryhme at all, one things about poetry is important is the flow poem, when it changes up so much it is like reading several different poems at the same time, makes it alittle challenging to follow the meaning and emotion of the write. Fourth point some poets liek to use a coma when starting the next thought within the stanza and some perferr to not use them at all, some forms require them and other's they are optional but again choose, most of the thoughts within each stanza have a coma but a few do not and this throws me off a little as well, better if you are going to use comas to use them through the poem.

angel33614 commented on Forgetting You

10-25-2010

Ok since your brother asked I will give two reviews, the first will be on the emotional aspect of the poem and the second the academic prose of the form. So from an emotional stand point I feel the words are honest and sincere, very heartfelt and pure. Forgetting a lost love is one of the hardest things I know I ever had to learn to do. Forgetting is like challenging a thousand soldiers to bloody defeat, but remembering is the read danger as it calls the devil himself to your door. I have leanred through trial and error that in the end you cna never really forget and if the love was pure and true why would you want to, better to let it become apart of you and again learn to move forward, for in reality everything we are in the present has build upon the past, while the past is no place to live, it is very much apart of one's present. overall quite a nice poem that could easy sub as lyrics based on the simple nature of the form and lines. Purity of the soul, journey well!!! with grace and humility ANGEL- POB for life aka A blind man walking...

MindNumbing commented on Forgetting You

10-18-2010

Simone, you must tell you brother that I foresee a very lucrative career in songwriting for him! Is he musically inclined at all? This has the emotion that most 'polished poetry' lacks but can definitely be found in song lyrics. That's a good thing for me. In a lot of cases, the dozens of revisions, rewrites and the overly scrutinized poem has the life sucked out of it. Tell him to put some aggressive rock music to this and to add a chorus and he'll have a hit :)

Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It's that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that's what the poet does.

Allen Ginsberg (1926-1997) U.S. poet.

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