"I don't love you" I said


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    Poem Commentary

    this is the conversation that took place on Monday night...transcribed right after it occurred..

    "I don't love you" I said

    "fine," he said, "I'm actually feeling relieved"
    it was a rather surprising response
    from this man who had loudly proclaimed to love me
    all these years.
    did I believe he did love me?
    sure I did, like a 14 year old believes in Santa
    you wish it were true..but deep down you're too smart to believe it.

    "it's your choice," he said, "you're choosing not to love me,"
    but I don't think that's true
    in fact, I know it's not...I am just not unkind enough
    to explain, how hard I tried to force a feeling I never had

    "you know I'm not going to be alone long." he said "and you're jumping ship right when everything's finally going our way."
    "you can go away," he said, "maybe go fuck some guy...or guys...whatever, you're free"
    "and so am I"
    he says this only because he doesn't know
    how I cringe inside every time he even breathes in my general direction.
    he thinks he can incite a green monster that doesn't exist within my framework
    while I imagine not having to endure his insipid, pathetic, passionless gestures
    or feel like a fucking whore...
    in my own bed
    yeah, I think I can live with the consequences

    "I mean, I'm a good looking guy" he says, "everyone agrees...except of course my wife"
    "girls hit on me all the time, and all those little MILF's...yeah, I won't be lonely"
    he says
    as though I am as shallow in my perspective of him as he is in everything..but of course
    this makes perfect sense
    because I never existed, as an independent person
    just a captive audience
    for his constant braggadocio and self-affirmation
    arrogance and insecurity coupled with anger and sanctimony
    unbearable really

    "it's not my fault," he said, "that you don't know how to forgive and forget"
    "I am a different person now..that old me is gone"
    I have no response
    what can one say to such obvious self-deception?
    and there is this too, to be considered
    I really don't fucking care anymore

    "you once said to me," he said, "that I never fight for you. maybe I would, if I had a woman worth fighting for...but you're not"
    well, that's a relief...at least I won't be dealing
    with half-hearted attempts at reconciliation
    and further proclamations of love that isn't

    "and what about the kids?" he says, "our poor, heartbroken children, you know this will fuck them up"
    and I have to admit, I give pause to consider the ramifications of this comment
    but ultimately, it will not fuck them up anymore than it will if I stay
    the ghost of mommy...not quite dead but never really...alive
    I think the kids will be fine, but it doesn't merit the air it would take to speak it
    falling on those deaf ears

    "you're not living the life God created you for," he said "this is your life, to be the mother of those children, the daughter of your parents...and MY WIFE!"
    he makes this pronouncement with the absolute conviction of a pharisee
    his voice rising triumphantly on the last two words

    "you are NEVER going to be anything else" he says
    because he will never understand
    that I already am something else
    I am me
    but such things are not contemplated in his world

    "you'll get nothing" he says "and nothing from my settlement"
    as though I'd had so much all these years...as though
    I am incapable of taking care of myself
    or building, again, something beautiful from the ashes of myself
    he doesn't know me at all

    "you don't know how to live" he hisses softly, like the snake in my garden
    whispering weakness
    but I will not be discouraged
    by the way he'd paint the world
    I will live the way I want to...I will have the life I choose
    and he can suck it for all I care
    he never knew me at all...

    and I have to laugh, as he threatens and cajoles by turn
    trying out whatever tactic seems best to him at the moment

    "you won't have a job anymore" he says, "it's a guy thing...my best friend won't let you work for him if you leave me"
    as though I could never find another job
    as though I didn't give up my seventy-thousand dollar a year, full paid benefits, retirement, stock options and vacations
    so that he could "be the man"

    "you're just a bitter person," he says "and you really fucking disgust me, what do you want..you need to go "find yourself"...is that it? you don't know who you are anymore?"
    every word spit out in a tone of scathing condescension and loathing

    "you make my skin itch...I'm so fucking disgusted by you" he says
    snarly faced and ugly
    and I sit there, wondering
    if he will ever understand the amount of damage it took
    for me to remain
    by his empty, self-serving rhetoric
    droning endlessly on and on and on

    he's nothing but white noise as I change the channel
    and fill my mind
    and my heart
    and every fiber of my being with thoughts of ...you
    with a mona lisa smile
    because like da vinci's muse
    I too have a secret
    and it is mine alone....

    I live, I breathe, I exist
    quite happily
    in the knowledge that this is bringing me one step closer
    to you

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    UnworthyFather commented on "I don't love you" I said


    You have shown a tremendous strength of character in this piece, Tender. Some men find it difficult - to say the least - to cope with an intellectual and strong woman as an equal. This man obviously had serious problems with self-esteem and lacked the mental faculties to walk on your level. His response was an unfortunately common one. He degraded and mistreated you. On behalf of good men everywhere, I'm sorry for what you have suffered, and hope that true happiness finds you. God bless, and a well deserved 10... Marcus

    chicken commented on "I don't love you" I said


    What a read! Nicely done. I like the way your voice sounds and you mind.

    Qualin commented on "I don't love you" I said


    you mean to tell me there is no santa!!!! you have got to have made a mistake,which is out of your norm,and surely you jest at the possability than some "igmo" doesn't Love you...rediculuser than santa!!!! Good write beaut' as usual

    devaamido commented on "I don't love you" I said


    WOW! This one's all about kickin' ass & takin' names! Sweety, you kicked this shallow dog-dish out of the ring before the first bell. What I can't understand is how & why it took you 14 years! You musta been pullin' punches!

    Madelynn commented on "I don't love you" I said


    This leaves me speechless!-All I want to do at this moment is give you a huge-hug!First,I am so proud of you,for standing your ground in this conversation!When someone is coming at you,and being SO cruel,as this guy is,it's hard to stand ground so maturally and strong as you have here!I really hate to curse,openly-but,I gotta-This guy is the definition of an Dil-Rod Ass Muncher!-You are so beautiful,and so talented..just way above this loser/know what??He knows it too!-His insecurity screams in this piece!..I am so sorry you ever had to go throught his kind of abuse!-I know what its like.Use it as fuel,hun.-Put on your Super Poetess Cape,and prevail-leaving his lonely,self-conscience,stinky-hell never have your hottness again,-butt in the dust!!Then go publish your novel,cause I know-you gotta be sittin on a good one!Stay strong!-10/for kickin ass and coming out even tuffer!

    In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

    Franz Kafka (1883-1924) Czech writer.

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