not so ancient history


not so ancient history

oldest of four
in a family quite poor.
angry father abuser
heartless mother loser
raised in a church
that wrote my sin
early on I let my demons in.

kissed a boy when I was eight
a pastors son
a big mistake
they took me to the church to pray
to make my demons go away
pastor said:
"a temptress born
to lead men to sin"
...that's when I let the demons in.

ridiculed through my early years
molested by a trusted friend
unthinkable, the rage inside
obscured the heart
and light inside
behind a sparkling
stinging wit
words are weapons
which I whet

so years spent embracing
my body racing
after the inevitable prize
still longing for understanding
and hating myself inside

of course I soon reaped the harvest
of my headstrong, hellbent course
at sixteen I became a mother
and my first husbands whore

by eighteen I'd had my fill of hate
(and another baby to boot)
ripped the wife-beater off my back
and went shopping for a new suit
tried on lovers like the emperors new clothes
a few I kept for a while
until I met him who made my heart race
the instant I won his smile

sweet and true
I loved him so
and he my love returned
I ruined it, too scared to believe
my love would not be spurned.

pushed him, pushed him
made him cry
burned his love to ashes
the wicked power
of my tongue
gave him his 40 lashes

Knowing I would never feel
for anyone but him
I took to wed
a brutish man
whose love is my punishment.

for 15 years I've paid the price
for destroying something pure.
three more children
keep me here
for how long?
I'm not sure.

though I'd have grown to love this man
to whom I've bound my life
he sadly is a narcissist
who fills my days with strife
and though I've grown
and found my light
his dark's the one place it won't shine

a life alone with my secrets
a person most people like
but still they call me beautiful
and oh, it is a bitter pill
but I'm so chill, I'll just laugh
and let nothing inside

there's so much more
to the story of me
and who I really am
but I'm really tired of waiting
for someone to give a damn

my meter's off
my words don't rhyme
these syllables are jumbled up
but you wanted my life story
and it too is completely fucked-up.

I'll say this my friends,
we've all known grief
and loss of one kind or another
but knowing I've shot myself in the foot
is the ultimate bitch-mother.

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ginga commented on not so ancient history


Tender, I am flabbergasted, amazed, and in awe of this poem and your endurance. A strong woman you have become in spite of it all. ginga

lithiumblack commented on not so ancient history


No words could do justice to this without finding a way to trample on what you've experienced and the strength you've fought to maintain...Shit, I've said too much...

laydbak1 commented on not so ancient history


Yes, it is a bitter pill... Life doesn't always treat us fairly... At some point, and after many years of bad turns and screw ups, we finally gain the knowledge and wisdom we so badly needed in our youth that would have protected us from what we've become... Sooner or later we all have to accept, that no matter what we've done to get to the here and now, noone made our choices, but us.... A good write TP....

BDIsernhagen commented on not so ancient history


wow...I would say something, but you've left me speechless, and whatever I could mumble out here has already been said. Thank you so much for posting!

travisd76 commented on not so ancient history


You really took us on a journey there. You have led a very interesting life. I feel I know more about you with every poem I read. You and I are a little alike . Different paths and beginings, but we both share a dark side from where our words are formed. I like this one a lot.

Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history.

Plato (BC 427-BC 347) Greek philosopher.

tenderpoison’s Poems (116)

Title Comments
Title Comments
You Are...I am 2
la chanson de la petite mort 4
fallen 2
seasons 0
smoke 2
Thursdays Child 2
the edge 0
whispers 2
nothing left to say... 2
sense of season 2
suspension bridge 1
Legendary 1
Almost 3
compromise 1
the final line 1
weather report 6
lessons in loss 2
Walk Away 1
b*itch boots 5
fumbling, tumbling - falling down 6
metamorphosis mine 13
Secret Language 15
An Ode to StudlyVonFiel
the ties that bind 15
spitting in the wind 9
paradigm 8
talking in tongues 10
cloudy skies 12
really 15
well, I guess I know what it's not.... 13
heart of stars 17
The Longest Road 14
Legacy 6
Despair 7
Delusion 7
Inflammatory 8
survival of the fittest 20
ephemeral 13
the fall of the inconsequenti
Modern Love 24
apathy the enemy 9
Oceans 7
Consummation 11
"I don't love you" I said 20
narcissus speaks 13
destination 9
expectations 6
worlds collide 6
afternoon delight 7
my addiction 19
spilt milk 8
bay-area tourist beware 6
reciprocal 7
take the lead 11
losing what's precious 20
figment 5
bacchus unveiled 9
genuine 24
fool's gold 13
silence speaks 9
dark temptation 10
glass beach 9
mother love 12
sweet nothing 9
lighthouse 6
unbound 8
One Moment 5
Michael Jackson is Dead 4
parley 4
unmasked 4
stand 5
sage 9
Rising 8
the last word 6
prelude to bliss 2
unstained 4
insatiable 3
not pretty 8
surrender 4
forsaken 5
kudos 5
fine dining 3
Pieces 4
the tree 16
inches 9
priceless 8
25 years 7
only a dream 9
reborn 5
flicker 5
unruffled 4
taking the air 6
cymbol song 4
strike zone 6
nine days in turlock 9
through the pale 8
redemption song 3
Wise Men Know 8
not so ancient history 7
my forefathers? 2
American Memorial 2
bitter harvest 4
unconquered 52
what's in a name? 5
Flattery 5
me and a tube of crazy glue 6
eternal vows 2
Old Friend 5
directions to destiny 4
Illumination II (a rewrite) 7
Illumination 6
submission - things they don't teach girls 22
Echo 20
Bride 16
Undone 21