You left

13 Comments

Poem Commentary

I dedicate this to a friend I had in school. We were best friends. We were friends through ours twenties. .

You left

We shared good times  laughter
Shed tears together our dreams wishes
Each married  into a world of our own
Full of family children friends
Friendship created by years
A bond
Childhood friends to last forever
We shared one by one each child born
Marring men that loved us
Many years had passed 
Growing older still friends
We talked  planned to meet
Happiness excitement friends  again
To introduce our families
Talk about old times
Only a day had passed
I saw it on the news
Live filled my heart with fear
My stomach dropped my heart skipped beats
My breath I could not catch 
A young mother father of five
Were burning in a fire
Children running for help
Dad in the bedroom gone
Mom hand in hand
On the floor with child
Reaching for each other
I think of you about the times
We had so much fun
On her grave lay flowers
Thinking about the phone call
The friendship we had 


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MissIvy commented on You left

02-04-2010

Ah that's terribly sad but what was lived was lovely

Bettysrainbow48 commented on You left

02-03-2010

I changed this poem around a bit hoping to make it better.

RHPeat commented on You left

01-26-2010

I fell more could have been said with less. It makes me feel manipulated as a reader. It's not the sentiment but the overstatement of it. I just think you'd have more if you left some of it for the reader to feel on their own rather than spell it all out. a poet friend RH Peat

Bettysrainbow48

01/26/2010

I think I see what you mean leaving something for the reader to wonder about right. Thanks for the input.

RHPeat

01/26/2010

Well overstatement and understatement are metaphorical devices that can work in many cases. But in this very painful case I think the overstatement starts to suppress the deeper feelings of the reader to some extent. That there is an awe related to the fact of the deaths that is being missed because all the facts are related from you point of view and this doesn't allow the reader to form their own point of view to grieve with you, so to speak. Knowing how much to give in such situation is a tough job for any writer. Too much or too little and the intent is lost. But for me there is too much here. For me it a hurt pie in the face in a sense. I know the sentiment is real, but I'm not allowed to form my own feelings about this terrible death because you are telling what to feel. So I get this feeling of manipulation from reading the poem. It's not like I'm observing it for myself. a poet friend RHPeat.

Morris commented on You left

01-25-2010

Begins melancoly and slowly decends into almost despair and back to foreboding loss and regret for the time that passed not being counted well tm

Bettysrainbow48

01/26/2010

You read it pretty well. Thanks for the input. Your comments are welcome.

SavVySam commented on You left

01-24-2010

Oh my word, this is so heartrendingly sad Betty! You've penned a beautiful remembrance of those special times you shared and will never forget!

Bettysrainbow48

01/26/2010

You know life passes us bye then this.

When power leads man towards arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the area of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.

John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) Thirty-fifth President of the USA

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