You left

13 Comments

Tags:
  • Loss
    • ,
  • Death
    • ,
  • Friendship
    • ,
  • Childhood

    Poem Commentary

    I dedicate this to a friend I had in school. We were best friends. We were friends through ours twenties. .

    You left

     We shared good times  laughter
    Shed tears together our dreams wishes
    Each married  into a world of our own
    Full of family children friends
    Friendship created by years
    A bond
    Childhood friends to last forever
    We shared one by one each child born
    Marring men that loved us
    Many years had passed 
    Growing older still friends
    We talked  planned to meet
    Happiness excitement friends  again
    To introduce our families
    Talk about old times
    Only a day had passed
    I saw it on the news
    Live filled my heart with fear
    My stomach dropped my heart skipped beats
    My breath I could not catch 
    A young mother father of five
    Were burning in a fire
    Children running for help
    Dad in the bedroom gone
    Mom hand in hand
    On the floor with child
    Reaching for each other
    I think of you about the times
    We had so much fun
    On her grave lay flowers
    Thinking about the phone call
    The friendship we had 


    Poem Comments

    (13)

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    MissIvy commented on You left

    02-04-2010

    Ah that's terribly sad but what was lived was lovely
    Reply to Comment

    Bettysrainbow48 commented on You left

    02-03-2010

    I changed this poem around a bit hoping to make it better.
    Reply to Comment

    RHPeat commented on You left

    01-26-2010

    I fell more could have been said with less. It makes me feel manipulated as a reader. It's not the sentiment but the overstatement of it. I just think you'd have more if you left some of it for the reader to feel on their own rather than spell it all out. a poet friend RH Peat
    Reply to Comment

    Bettysrainbow48

    01/26/2010

    I think I see what you mean leaving something for the reader to wonder about right. Thanks for the input.

    RHPeat

    01/26/2010

    Well overstatement and understatement are metaphorical devices that can work in many cases. But in this very painful case I think the overstatement starts to suppress the deeper feelings of the reader to some extent. That there is an awe related to the fact of the deaths that is being missed because all the facts are related from you point of view and this doesn't allow the reader to form their own point of view to grieve with you, so to speak. Knowing how much to give in such situation is a tough job for any writer. Too much or too little and the intent is lost. But for me there is too much here. For me it a hurt pie in the face in a sense. I know the sentiment is real, but I'm not allowed to form my own feelings about this terrible death because you are telling what to feel. So I get this feeling of manipulation from reading the poem. It's not like I'm observing it for myself. a poet friend RHPeat.

    Morris commented on You left

    01-25-2010

    Begins melancoly and slowly decends into almost despair and back to foreboding loss and regret for the time that passed not being counted well tm
    Reply to Comment

    Bettysrainbow48

    01/26/2010

    You read it pretty well. Thanks for the input. Your comments are welcome.

    SavVySam commented on You left

    01-24-2010

    Oh my word, this is so heartrendingly sad Betty! You've penned a beautiful remembrance of those special times you shared and will never forget!
    Reply to Comment

    Bettysrainbow48

    01/26/2010

    You know life passes us bye then this.

    Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It's that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that's what the poet does.

    Allen Ginsberg (1926-1997) U.S. poet.

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